The Death of Pie Read Online Free PDF Page B

have any official police training, you can’t wear a uniform, but I don’t see anything wrong with you wearing something that approximates a uniform.’
    â€˜Approximates?’
    â€˜I was thinking a longish navy skirt, a button-up navy shirt and one of our official navy police caps, but with the insignia removed. However, I’ve heard rumours that you may have the third largest head in America. Therefore it is possible that none of our caps will fit you.’
    â€˜That’s OK, I’ll cram my foolish noggin into that cap, you’ll see! I’ll get my head shrunk; I’ll do whatever it takes, I promise!’ Truthfully, I am a sucker for a uniform, but I still wasn’t going to snitch on my friends, no matter what I turned up wearing!
    There you have it; this then is the perfect example of the ability of power to go straight to one’s – er – head. Suddenly, I wanted a uniform more than anything. Who knows, to obtain my goal of being a pseudo-law enforcement officer, I might have gone so far as to hike my hemline up to my knees and perform a sinful Irish jig, possibly even a Scottish reel or, heaven forbid, I might have gone so far as to gyre and gimble in the wabe.
    Toy could see that I was tempted. ‘How does that sound?’
    â€˜Like a dream,’ I purred, and then ground the heel of one of my sensible black brogans into the toe of the other. Of course the act of trying to stifle my sinful nature only served to spark another question. ‘What about shoes, dear? Do official shoes come with that getup?’
    â€˜Uh – yeah. Actually – no.’
    â€˜You’re talking like a sausage, dear.’
    The poor boy looked away. ‘What I’m trying to say is that the very practical things that you have on now will do just fine.’
    â€˜That’s OK; you may call them clodhoppers if you wish,’ I said. ‘And feel free to make gagging sounds if it helps.’
    â€˜Well, OK, thanks,’ he said.
    â€˜Do you want me to wear white socks or navy?’ I said.
    â€˜It doesn’t matter, Miss Yoder. Wear whatever you like.’
    â€˜Well, it matters to me , dear. If I’m going to yield to temptation, then I’m going to sin all the way.’
    â€˜Then definitely wear white socks,’ he said. ‘White is a racier color than navy. By the way, did I tell you that even though you won’t be authorized to pull anyone over to the side of the road with the cruiser car, as a private citizen, you are always permitted to make a Citizen’s Arrest?’
    â€˜With handcuffs?’ I said. Hope springs eternal, even in the flattest of breasts.
    â€˜Yes, ma’am,’ Toy said, ‘providing the accused cooperates and allows you to put the cuffs on him. Even if they don’t cooperate, those handcuffs over there will look really cool hanging from the navy-blue belt of your navy-blue skirt.’
    I could feel myself beaming like a lighthouse on the Isle of Wight. Over the past dozen years as Hernia’s mayor, I have had the distinct displeasure of finding myself embroiled in every manor of mayhem, from mud-raking to murder. Throughout the years the Good Lord has blessed me financially to the point that I am by far Hernia’s wealthiest citizen. Because we have fewer than 3,000 souls living within the greater community, we cannot afford to staff a full-time police department without help from the ‘private sector.’ When saying those last two words perhaps one should pause and think of me fondly – or at least pause. Sad to say, people are seldom grateful for what is truly free. Case in point: not once had I ever been offered the chance to drive the police car, which I’d paid for entirely with my own money.
    Therefore, can you not see, that when the smooth-skinned Justin Bieber doppelgänger of yesteryear offered to loan me both car and cuffs, I had to consider the possibility that