The Day I Killed My Father Read Online Free PDF Page B

occupied my entire existence.
    I wish I’d had an analyst at that moment in my life. Because, after what happened, I began to believe I was the Antichrist: the Beast that had come to destroy the world. At the same time, a part of me believed the opposite — that it was just a test of my infinite faith. And for this reason I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I prayed every time the thoughts popped into my head, whether I was at home or in public. When they appeared in the presence of other people, I prayed in a way that they wouldn’t notice. I even developed a technique for making the sign of the Cross in slow motion, so to speak, so no one would catch on. Hail Mary always came after Our Father. I read the Hail Mary in Latin in an old missal I found among my mother’s belongings. I memorised it and started reciting it in Latin because it seemed more sublime and, therefore, more effective. ‘Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum, benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc et in hora mortis nostrae, Amen.’
    The anxiety instilled in me by the certainty that I was the Antichrist was to last quite a while. It dissipated slowly, and an important determinant in its erasure was finding out that the Romans used to curse God and the Virgin Mary. For me, the Roman blasphemies represented liberation. ‘Dio cane.’ ‘Porca Madonna.’ These expressions still sound like poetry to me. It was because of them that I started studying Italian.
    Do I believe in God? I could quote Woody Allen: ‘To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.’ At any rate, knowing of my childhood religious experience is essential for you to be able to understand one of the main aspects of my unfinished book. I wanted to understand how Evil was born in our souls. Because that was my frightening discovery that day, as I later managed to articulate: I, a mere child, was already filled with incommensurable Evil.
    My analyst’s explanations, I know. Shrewd, but partial. But they only explained the triggers for something that I believed (and still do) was pre-existent … Have I found an answer to my philosophical question? I have a few theories on the subject, but I’d rather leave them for later. There’s no rush. I’ve got plenty of time on my hands. Actually, it’s the only thing I have got.

–11–
    Here’s the file containing Future . I’ve decided to bring forward the reading for three reasons. First, I miss my characters — yes, ‘miss’ is the right word. Second, I’m anxious to hear your opinion about the book. Isn’t it curious that I barely know you and that I already need your opinion? Last, I think Future will help you understand some of my processes. Just some, mind you.
    The main condition for me to let you read it, I repeat, is that you do so aloud. I don’t think it should take more than four sessions to read. There are other conditions. You can’t take the file home. At the end of each session, I’m going to check the number of pages in it. Please excuse my lack of trust, but I wouldn’t like people I don’t know to have access to my book. Read slowly, please, and don’t try to give the characters different voices. I detest those kind of theatrics. Last of all, there are to be no comments during the reading. Nor do I want to hear your observations after each session. You’ll read it, then leave, in silence. We’ll only discuss it when you’ve got to the end of the book. Do we have an agreement?
    It will be a pleasure to hear what I wrote coming from your mouth.

Future
(a novel)

I
    When he read in the paper that light pressure applied to the earlobe could bring on a sudden heart attack, Antonym became suspicious of Bernadette. After all, it was a more subtle method than pouring molten lead into a