The Chris Farley Show: A Biography in Three Acts Read Online Free PDF Page B

table the next day, and she had told my dad about it. Dad was so furious he didn’t know what to do. I mean, here was Chris peeing in our drinking glasses. Chris knew that Dad knew, and Dad knew that Chris knew that he knew, and there was dead silence at the table. Everyone was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Finally, Dad reaches over to take a sip of his water, and Chris goes, “You’re not gonna drink out of that glass, are you?”
    “Goddammit!”
    Chris knew what was coming, but he had to get the laugh first.

KEVIN FARLEY:
    Chris was such a natural talent that he was always being asked by the teachers to try out for the school plays. But he wouldn’t have any part of it. “That’s for pussies,” he’d say.

DAN HEALY:
    Madison is sports crazy. They’ll watch anything played with a ball. It wasn’t cool to do drama. In a perfect world I think Chris would have been about six-foot-three and played in the NFL. I remember when we started freshman football. It was a big deal at Edgewood. You knew making the football team was a key part of fitting in. After one of those first practices I heard this voice behind me say, “Well, my brother told me that if I can start on ‘O,’ then I’ll probably start on ‘D.’ ”
    I turned around, and there was Chris. He was already pretty overweight, and he was wearing these saggy gray wool socks with his football uniform. Everyone else was in bright white athletic socks, and here’s this chubby kid dressed kind of funny. I just thought, this poor kid actually thinks he’s gonna play? But he did. And he was great.

KEVIN FARLEY:
    Chris would play noseguard, and because I was his brother he’d want to hit me pretty hard in practice. My God, he hit me good. A couple of times I think I practically blacked out. “God, you really nailed me,” I’d say.
    “I know,” he’d say. “I wanted to.”
    We were really competitive, and he was a really good football player. You couldn’t move him because his legs were so powerful and he was so low to the ground. He was a really good interior lineman. He just didn’t have the height or the NFL build that he needed.

JOEL MATURI:
    Chris was like Rudy in that way, the kid in that story from Notre Dame. I mean that very honestly. He was all hustle. Chris would be the first one to jump into a drill, first one to volunteer for anything. We were not a great football program. I think his junior year we went 5-5, and his senior year we went 6-4. But Chris always thought the glass was half full. When other kids might have said something was impossible, Chris thought it was possible. He always believed. And that’s why you loved him.

MIKE CLEARY:
    Around Madison you played against teams with these huge, enormous guys who went on to Division One teams. They’d just steamroll right over you. It was so demoralizing. But with Chris on the field, you’d never let that get to you. He’d never let you forget about having fun, even when these future NFLers were grinding your face into the mud.

PAT O’GARA, friend:
    When we played football, all the guys would go in to take showers. And of course all these sophomores and freshmen were nervous about showering with the older guys. Chris would be in there, in the showers, buck naked, curling his finger with a come-hither look at these kids going “Want some candy?” It’d scare the crap out of them. It was always an interesting time when Chris would hit the showers. He had a reputation of, well, exposing himself. All the time.

GREG MEYER:
    He was naked a lot.

PAT O’GARA:
    Wasn’t ashamed at all. So, junior year, I was sitting in typing lab, practicing, and Chris was sitting next to me. I said to him, “Chris, I dare you to whip it out in front of this girl here.”
    I’m typing away, and Chris just pulls his pants down and lays it out. I don’t think twice about it. To me, I’m just like, “Jesus, what a sick bastard.”
    And that was the end of it. Nothing happened. Then, about a