The Armchair Bride Read Online Free PDF Page B

late.
    When the number twenty-six groans around the corner at a glacial pace, I heave a sigh of relief.
    When I hold up my pass, the driver yawns and shakes his head.
    ‘That expired at the end of December, love, you’ll have to pay.’
    I stare at the date and will it to change.
    ‘One pound eighty,’ he says.
    A miserable looking balding man in a cheap suit pushes on behind. He’s out of breath from running and treats me to full-on early morning halitosis.
    ‘Are you going to be much longer?’ he whines. My purse, of course, lies at the bottom of my bag under my sandwiches, house keys, make-up and unopened Christmas cards. I clatter a handful of change into a machine and grab my ticket.
    The bus smells of damp, tired people and there’s not a single free seat, so the journey passes with someone’s briefcase rammed up against my thigh and my face pushed into the armpit of a woman who seems very much of the opinion that deodorant, is for sissies.
    I get off one stop early and take my place in the crowds rushing with heads down to reach warm desks and exchange stories about Christmas.
    A sizeable crowd gathers at the crossing to wait for the lights to change. I spot Angela from accounts in a tracksuit and headband, she’s jogging red-faced on the spot. It can only mean one thing. New year, new diet.
    The thing is, there’s barely anything to her. She eats like a bird and a strong breeze would carry her away. But she’s the sort who likes to share. It’ll be tiresome tales of  a new way to cook cauliflower or round robin emails that detail special offers at local gyms.  I arrive at the crossing as the lights change and am about to step off the kerb and into the road when someone puts their hands over my eyes. I stumble and my bag hits the floor scattering its contents.
    ‘Guess who?’ a familiar voice giggles.
    I don’t need to guess. I’d know Dopey Penny anywhere.
    ‘Oh goodness me, clumsy clot,’ she says and bends down to help and I cringe as she hands me an unopened card bearing her handwriting.
    ‘How are you?’ she says. ‘Have you got over the other night?’
    I shudder. I know today is the day I get to deal with the fallout of my impromptu performance at the staff party. I know people are counting on me to draw attention away from their own drunken antics, but I hoped I might have time to get a cup of coffee before being forced to read emails crammed with links to shameful on-line galleries.
    ‘I’m fine thanks,’ I say. ‘Did you enjoy the party?’
    ‘Not quite as much as you.’
    Penny giggles again and I truly don’t know what stops me from slapping her. Maybe I am a good person. So why am I still single when even Helen McVeigh is poised to gallop down the aisle and off into the sunset?
    Penny waves a hand in front of my face. ‘Are you OK?’
    ‘What? Sorry I was miles away.’
    ‘You look a bit peaky. Mind you, I bet you felt rough yesterday.’
    ‘Just a little,’ I say and do the all girls together shrug thing that most women understand. Not Penny.
    ‘You must have had a few. What was it you were singing again? Hey Big Spender ?’
    I shrug.
    ‘No idea, Penny, like you say, I must have had a few.’ Much as I want to tell her to just shut the fuck up, I can’t.
    ‘I’ve got some pictures on my phone.’
    ‘Somehow I knew you would.’
    ‘There’s a great one of you and Brian.’
    ‘Lovely, can’t wait.’
    How much fun will today be? Everyone gets to snigger behind screens and look at pictures of me drunkenly pawing my manager. Up ahead, Angela is waiting to cross the street, power-walking on the spot, and when she sees us she waves.
    ‘I think I might nip and get myself some breakfast,’ I say, desperate to get away.
    ‘Oh good idea, I’ll come with you.’
    ‘I’m going to the sandwich bar in the station.’
    ‘The one where Sharon got food poisoning? You can’t be serious?’
    ‘You don’t know that’s where she got it from.’
    ‘I remember that day