Solitude (Artistic Pricks Ink #3) Read Online Free PDF

not the only one who lost someone here, baby. Becky’s death broke my heart, but I lose you over and over again every day.”
    “Sorry, Ma, I gotta go.” Turning away, I head for the door, wanting more than anything to get the hell out of here and feel fresh air on my face.
    “The only thing worse than burying the person you love most, is watching your only son die inside, more and more, each day and be helpless to stop it.” My fingers grip the doorknob so hard my knuckles go numb. I need her to stop, I can’t listen to this. Every word is like a knife to my soul, the sadness in her voice only adding to the guilt I already feel.
    Does she think I like this? That I want to feel this way or hurt the people I care about? Doesn’t she know this isn’t my fault? How do you begin to fill a void you didn’t create?
    Jerking open the door, the last words I hear before I slam it behind me rip what is left of my heart to shreds. “I loved Becky, William,” she cries, “but I want my son back.”
    I want to go back in there and comfort her, but I don’t. I wish I could smile and tell her that I am going to be okay, but that’s a lie I couldn’t pull off with anyone, especially not Ma.
    Climbing into the truck, I speed out of the parking lot and head back into the city. I have no desire to think about anything that happened back there. My eyes burn from fighting back tears and exhaustion, but I ignore it. Anger and hurt race through my veins and I can’t begin to process everything I am feeling. The guilt and regret that weighs me down stacks higher and higher, becoming nearly impossible to bear.
    All I want is to be numb from it all.
    I should go home and sleep, but I don't want to be alone. I still haven't gotten used to reaching out in the night and feeling nothing but the cold sheets where she should be, which has me sleeping on the couch or at the shop most nights. It was different when I was deployed, because I knew Becky was there waiting for me. Her love kept me warm no matter how many miles separated us as if she were right beside me. The frigid cold of non-existence is all that I feel now when I'm alone and I can't take it.
    Turning the truck into the parking lot, I shut off the engine and stare up at the neon sign that welcomes me. The vivid colors and endless alcohol at my disposal have become a friend of mine over the last year and a half. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to drink to function. I also know when to sober up and handle my responsibilities. I drink to numb the hurt, finding peace in the dark, bottomless void of a dreamless sleep.
    It's a choice I make in order to survive without the love of the only woman, other than my mother, to ever give a damn about the broken piece of shit that I am.
    The minute I step inside the bar, I yank out some bills and slap them on the bar. "Stoli. Doubles. Don't stop until the cash is gone," I say to the bartender and climb up onto the bar stool, ready to dissolve into the blissful void that the vodka gives me.
     

Chapter Five
Shelby
     
    "Oh come on!" I shout, rolling my eyes at Kionna. “I’m a genius, admit it.”
    Settling back against the dining room chair, she pretends to study the cards in her hand. "Are you crazy? No one wants to learn to be an exotic dancer, Shelby. It's not like piano lessons; you don't flip through the phone book for an instructor."
    "You’re really gonna sit there and say this isn't a hell of an idea? Do you know how many bored housewives would pay you fuckin' bank just to learn how to shake their asses like a professional?" I ask, arching a brow as I roll my hips in my seat and grin. "Not every woman is able to work it like we can, Ki. Besides, it's exercise." Tossing away two cards, I shrug. “Guaranteed their husbands will pony up the bills for it. You’re cutting out the strip club middle man and keeping the bedrooms sizzlin’ with pornographic monogamy.”
    Leah giggles, dealing out cards to each of us. "It's sexy