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this.”
    Mom looked at the paper, all wrinkled and damp withConrad’s butt sweat. I thought about offering her a latex glove, but she just said, “Okay, we’ll deal with that later. What is it?”
    â€œIt’s the no-booze pledge.”
    I had planned to give mine to Mom when Dad wasn’t around. I was surprised at Conrad for making such a rookie mistake. “What the hell is that?” Dad asked. Conrad handed Dad the nasty piece of paper, and Dad smoothed it out on the table (ew!) and read aloud, “We, the undersigned, pledge that blank will not consume alcohol, marijuana, or any other controlled substance at any time during the academic year. We further understand that breaking this pledge will result in a two-game suspension for a first offense, and ineligibility to participate in athletics for the remainder of the academic year for a second offense.”
    Dad had his mad face on. “Well, this is just outrageous. We’re not signing this.”
    Conrad said, “Dan”—he calls Dad “Dan,” I guess out of loyalty to his biological dad—“I already signed it. Everybody and their parents have to sign it or you can’t play sports.”
    â€œWhy is this the first I’ve heard about this?”
    Mom patted Dad’s hand. “Because I signed it last year without telling you because I knew you’d make a big deal out of it.”
    â€œUm, I’m sorry,” I added, “but why is this a big deal?”
    Mom, Conrad, and Dominic all looked at me like I was a complete idiot for asking this question, which I guess I was.
    â€œIt’s a big deal because it’s an infringement on your rights.Listen, I can see how they don’t want you showing up drunk at practice or anything, but it’s tying your private behavior off the field to your eligibility to play sports. I mean, doesn’t that feel a little intrusive to you? Is there a chastity pledge we have to sign too? Surely if the school wants to have veto power over the private behavior of its students, there ought to be a chastity pledge here too. Or at least a condom-use pledge. I mean, it’ll be taken just as seriously. Honestly, are you telling me that nobody from the football and hockey teams ever takes a drink during the school year? Have things changed that much since I was in high school? Conrad?”
    Conrad was giggling. “No, sir, they have not.”
    â€œSo by signing this, we’re saying that the school can control your private behavior, and we’re signing away your privacy essentially for nothing, because everyone understands that this is a sham document.”
    â€œYeah, I guess that’s pretty much it.”
    â€œWhat’s a sham document?” Dominic asked.
    â€œIt’s something like this,” Dad said, holding Conrad’s soggy form aloft.
    â€œA sweaty piece of paper?” Dominic said, and everybody who wasn’t Dad laughed, and Dad stopped talking, which was a relief.
    I must be a glutton for punishment. While Mom was getting ready for our ice cream run after dinner, I decided to ask Dad about the form again because he was so mad. Since he was always telling us not to drink and stuff, I didn’t really get it.
    I found Dad in the living room. “So, Dad, I thought you didn’t want us to drink.”
    He snapped his computer shut and said, “I don’t, honey. But that’s between us. The school has nothing to do with it. I just think the school is butting into your private life where it has no business. As long as you follow the rules while you’re at school or participating in athletics, why should whatever else you do matter? I mean, it starts with something like this form, which everybody signs without thinking because who wants to look like they’re standing up for teen drinking? But suppose the school wants to extend this to, like, I don’t know, having a clean driving record. Or