Shiva and Other Stories Read Online Free PDF Page B

been tested by the invader. One truly does not know the running of the beast, the stalking of all the steps, until one has heard the heartbeat of the self. One never truly knows, then, until one knows , and not an instant before.”
    It was a formative experience, let me say that, also quite painful. At length I found myself at the desk of my supervisor. It was an emergency appointment, but the agency makes it clear in the Career & Salary Plan manual: Normal procedures may be overridden in case of serious difficulty. I was in serious difficulty. One must never operate conventionally in our terrain, not after what I had done. What I had done . I am afraid that I was rather out of control. I sobbed. I wrung my hands. The supervisor listened quietly to the recapitulation and coda, then made a call. “We will have operatives there immediately,” he said. “Are you sure the scene was absolutely secure?”
    “It was when I left.”
    “Stop your sniveling. You know that won’t get you anywhere. You are positive that there were no witnesses? No one around?”
    “Yes,” I said, sighing deeply, heaving. “Yes, I am quite sure.”
    “And it was accomplished just as quietly as you say? There were no undue sounds?”
    “No, there were not.” I tried to hold back the sobbing but could not. “I did care for her,” I said. “She was very nice at the beginning. I thought we had a real relationship. I felt that I could tell her things. Maybe it was because she worked with dying people. It was only later that it got dreadful. I made a mistake.”
    “Oh, yes, you did,” the supervisor said. “Oh, yes indeed, you did.” I would engage in characterological description here, but like all of them, like me on the job, he was masked. His voice was without affect. It is important to remember that there is nothing personal in all of this. “You made a terrible, a stupid mistake,” he said, “but now you’ll know better, won’t you?”
    “Oh, yes.”
    “You understand why these jobs must be confidential?”
    “Oh, yes,” I said, “I know that now.”
    His eyes were kindly but nonetheless cold. Impenetrable even. Something like the agency prose itself. “Yes,” I said, “I understand that now and much else.”
    “You were really quite stupid, and you will have to pay the price for that stupidity.”
    “My job?”
    The supervisor stared at me. “The job ?” he said. “That’s the last thing. We wouldn’t even ask your life.”
    “I want my job.”
    “The situation, however, is manageable. It’s a little tricky, but we’ve had worse. You knew her fairly well, of course?”
    “Of course. Except that I misjudged her terribly at the end.”
    “It’s too late to think of that. Draft a statement, then.”
    “A statement?”
    “Right here and now. A credible suicide note that can be found with the corpse. Don’t worry about the strangulation; cyanosis can occur for lots of reasons, and there are ways around it. But then there’s the note. It has to be right . I assume you can take care of it. There isn’t much time.”
    “I can take care of it,” I said gratefully, seeing for the first time (but I could have deduced it earlier!) a way out. “Yes, that shouldn’t be too hard.”
    “It’s Sunday,” the supervisor said, “and also I would prefer to play this very close. I would prefer to keep it in the family. I would prefer not to call in the domestic division.”
    * * *
    There are seven reasons, and of them all only the seventh counts: to take testimony, to leave testimony, to make a difference. Hence the library and hence the note to be left beside you, my love.

    I am sorry, Francine. Had you but understood, it could have been different. Had I but understood, you might have been with me yet. We do what we must do, and we know none other. The secret, the document itself, is my life.

Kingfish
    E VERY MAN A KING, EVERY KING A SAINT, each and every one of us on our own piece of holy ground. That’s what