She'll Take It Read Online Free PDF Page B

with living with someone so gorgeous.
    I mean really, given the choice I’d much rather have ugly friends. Who wouldn’t? The ideal would be to have friends who were attractive enough that guys would approach you in a bar but ugly enough that you’re really the one they want to talk to. But with Kim around, I could steal a guy’s wallet right out of his back pocket (I hardly ever do, I swear) and he’d be so enamored of her that he wouldn’t even be able to pick me out of a lineup the next day. They see Kim and suddenly I’m gone. Poof! Except for Ray. Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. Beautiful, wonderful Ray. He’s not the least bit interested in Kim. It’s one of the reasons I don’t regret sleeping with him so soon after we met. (Four hours later to be exact.)
    â€œOh!” Kim says as I parade past her in the sweater and my black miniskirt.
    â€œDoes it look okay?” I ask when I see the funny expression on her face. “Is something wrong?” I crane my head around trying to inspect my ass.
    â€œYour behind looks fine,” Kim says. “It’s the sweater.”
    â€œNot my color?”
    â€œActually it is. It brings out the blue in your eyes.” I wait. “It was a gift from Charles,” she says finally. “I haven’t even worn it yet.” Charles is her latest beau. He’s our age and a physicist of all things. The two of them are a walking Kohler commercial—“The perfect combination of beauty and brains.” And from the dreamy looks I’ve seen passing over Kim’s face these last few weeks, I’d say I’m not the only one madly in love.
    â€œMaybe I should find something else,” I say, sourly disappointed. I really love how beautiful the sweater makes me feel. I was hoping if I wore it, I wouldn’t be tempted to steal.
    â€œYou can wear it,” Kim says finally. “Just be careful.”
    â€œI promise,” I say. “I’ll have it dry-cleaned.”
    â€œGood luck,” she says again. Does she know she’s said this three times already? And by this time, I am starting to believe I will need it.
    This is how I die:

    FIFTH AVENUE TEMPS
    Temporary Assistant: Melanie Zeitgar
    Assignment: Insurance Division/Death and Dismemberment Benefits
    Duties: Cold calling.
    Duration: Three hours
    Hello? May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Davis? This is Melanie from J.D. Harrold’s Life Insurance Division. I’ve got good news. We’re offering you three free months of death and dismemberment insurance. That’s right! If you lose a limb or your life in the next three months, we’ll pay you or your family accordingly. Fifteen thousand dollars for a finger or a toe, fifty thousand for an arm or a leg, and a whopping one hundred thousand dollars if you die in an accidental, tragic way. Hello? Hello?

    Fifth Avenue Temps is situated in midtown Manhattan just a few blocks away from the main branch of the New York Public Library. Most mornings I make sure to stop in front of the library to stare at the pair of stone lions flanking the entrance. They give me strength and today I really need it. I stand there for a few minutes gazing into their cold stone eyes until I feel better. I glance at my watch. Seven forty-five. I have enough time to get coffee and a muffin. Then I remember that this is the day I’m supposed to knock off the pastries and start a healthy eating/exercise regime, but in light of the situation it will have to be postponed. If all goes well with Jane, I can start my healthy regime tomorrow.
    I love the delis in New York. The outdoor buckets of fresh flowers and arrays of colorful fruits and vegetables are a shoplifter’s dream. It is child’s play to swipe an orange or a kiwi as you float by, and there’s no danger of cameras or sensors. However, I hardly ever steal fruit anymore. First of all, I can’t hide fruit in my closet (it’s not an Egyptian