Shaking the Sugar Tree Read Online Free PDF Page B

said.
    “Oh, here we go,” Shelly said.
    “We respect life in this house,” Mama said crossly. “Life begins at the moment of conception. All life is precious.”
    She glanced at Noah, as if he were a case in point, as if the extra finger on his left hand and his deaf ears were exactly why life was “sacred.”
    “Mama, the Twinkie is older than the idea that life begins at conception,” I pointed out.
    “Shut your mouth, Wiley Cantrell!” Mama snapped.
    “Don’t start on abortion today,” Shelly begged.
    “Every time a woman has a period, it’s a spontaneous abortion because the egg didn’t take,” I said, undeterred. “Are we going to start having a funeral for every used tampon?”
    Bill snorted.
    His boys laughed like they understood.
    Papaw slapped the table.
    “How can you talk that way in front of the children?” Mama asked.
    “Just keeping it real,” I said.
    “Leave it, Mama,” Bill said. “Don’t get him going.”
    “I hate the way he talks in this house!” she exclaimed.
    “A funeral mass for a tampon,” Papaw said. “Put that in one of your books, Wiley, and you might sell a few copies.”
    “You see where he gets it from,” Bill said, glancing at Papaw unhappily.
    “You don’t even go to mass anymore,” Mama said, offering Bill a disapproving look.
    “Can we talk about something else?” Shelly suggested.
    “It’s a sin to miss your Sunday obligation,” Mama said.
    “I’m a Baptist now, Mama,” Bill said.
    “Well, at least you go to church,” she said.
    “I go to church too,” I said.
    “Fat lot of good it does you,” Mama said.
    “I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe in that nonsense.”
    “And look where that’s got you,” she said. “You and your lifestyle. ”
    There was quiet.
    “Mama, why don’t you just sew up a Scarlet H and glue it on my forehead?” I asked. “H for the happy homo. Can’t we have one conversation that doesn’t involve my penis?”
    Eli snorted a mouthful of mashed potatoes halfway across the table.
    Shelly was aghast.
    Bill smiled ruefully.
    “Wiley Cantrell!” Mama exclaimed. “I ought to wash your mouth out with soap!”
    “You started it,” I replied.
    “Don’t talk that way in front of the children!”
    “At least the homo is honest,” Papaw said.
    “On behalf of the intrinsically disordered,” I said, “let me say that this fried chicken is really quite good, Mama.”
    “You’re impossible,” Mama said.
    “What’s an intrinsic order?” Josh asked.
    “You hush,” Shelly said.
    “I’m just asking!”
    “Shut it,” Bill said.
    “I’m just asking! Jeez!”
    “Now look what you’ve done!” Mama exclaimed in outraged tones.
    “Can we go swimming after we eat?” Eli asked.
    “You have to wait thirty minutes,” Bill said. “And someone has to go with you.”
    “Will you go, Uncle Wiley?” Eli asked earnestly, knowing his father would not, and his mother didn’t like being out in the sun. He turned to look at me. “Noah can swim with us,” he added to sweeten the deal.
    How big of you , I thought.
    “We’ll see,” I said.
    “Please?” he begged.
    “I’m intrinsically disordered. I can’t swim.”
    “Is that what it means?” he asked.
    “Yes,” I said. “It means I’ll drown if I try to go swimming. Then my body will explode and my brains will go splattering to the four winds.”
    He laughed, then stopped, unable to decide if this was true.
    “Hush,” Shelly said.
    It wasn’t clear to whom.
    “How do you like the new pope, Mama?” I asked.
    “I think he’s wonderful,” she said, her face taking on a glow. “He named himself after St. Francis.”
    “Yeah, but he’s a Jesuit,” I pointed out. “I thought you hated those liberal Jesuit bastards.”
    “He’s the pope now,” she said. “He used to take the bus to work.”
    “Never trust a man who wears a dress,” Papaw offered.
    “They say his poo-poo might actually smell,” I said. “The curia is