Seeing Julia Read Online Free PDF Page B

without Evan? And, I’m not good for Reid, not now. The grief travels through all of me. I think of Jacob Winston and feel the edges of shame. I keep making mistakes. I can’t reconcile all these competing thoughts. “I’m not good.”
    Stephanie holds my face between her hands. “Yes, you are .”
    Her arms come around me and I attempt to hug her back. The IV line gets in the way. I struggle with hugging her. Stephanie and Kimberley have never experienced the grief of this world as I have. I love and resent them at the same time for this reason alone. But I am bound. I am bound to these people who love me; and now, to a life without Evan. I am bound. I am here, saved by Jacob Winston. I am here and Evan is gone. I cry these endless tears of profound sorrow. I am here and Evan is gone. Gone.
    ≈ ≈

    Hours later, Stephanie disappears in search of better coffee and some decent food for all of us, while Kimberley sits at the end of my hospital bed in an unfamiliar jogging suit I’ve never seen. Kimberley Powers does not jog. The sportiness of the navy blue outfit bewilders me. She’s barely wearing make-up and her long mane of dark mahogany hair is in disarray. All anomalies.
    “You didn’t have to stay the night,” I say in a mollified tone.
    This comment, alone, seems to fuel her aggravation. She slides off the bed and comes to stand right in front of me with her arms crossed, leaning over me. I physically shrink away from her scrutiny.
    “I’ve been here for two nights, Snow White. You’ve been out of it for two days with the stuff you took.” Her eyes fill with tears and she moves away from me, suddenly intent on looking out the window at the dreary landscape of Manhattan in December. She sighs and comes back to me. “Spill it,” she commands. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on. You can start with the continual delivery of flowers from one Mr. Jacob Winston all the way from London. Why is he doing that? If I didn’t know better, I’d say—” Kimberley stops and takes an uneven breath. Then, she leans over me and tucks a stray strand of my hair behind one ear and starts again. “I’ve let you down. I’m sorry. I know you’ve dealt with grief before with Bobby, with your parents, but I should have seen it. What it was doing to you.”
    “I messed up,” I say dully. “I took too many pain killers. I drank too much and I…I just wanted the pain to go away. Lecherous Uncle Joe propositioned me and Jake. . . .” My voice falters over saying his name. “I said and did…some things I shouldn’t have.” I struggle with my confession. Kimberley is watching me intently now. Her radar is up and engaged.
    “Like what?”
    “Like I know his idea of a serious relationship involved two consecutive fucks with the same girl,” I say this with such profound distress that Kimberley starts to laugh.
    I feel this release deep inside of me. She understands me. I return a wry smile. “I left the bar; upset and took some more pills. Truly, I just wanted the pain inside of me to go away. He caught up with me on the elevator. Then, everything fell out of my purse. He found the vial of pills and put them in his jacket. I don’t know why, but I remember asking him about why he never did anything with Evan and me. It was always just the two of them. Skiing, hiking whatever. Never all of three of us.”
    “Did he tell you why that was?”
    “He started talking about London being a place he could start over.”
    “Start over? Why?”
    “I don’t know. Then, I started talking about starting over. How I had done it too many times before. I told him not again. I remember him getting this strange look on his face. Almost haunted. He looked sad. Then he was holding me and he felt like Evan. And we were kissing and it almost led to more.” I give Kimberley this mortified look. She looks momentarily stunned at my confession. Then, she gets this huge grin on her amazingly gorgeous face even sans