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the evening with his family last night. You might not see it, but that means something, Alec. I’m sorry if it hurt you, but I want you to know, you helped give his family some peace of mind. You must have given some to Brandon too.”
    Dropping my head against the seat, I tell her, “Not enough to make it matter. Not to him.”
    She leans her head on my shoulder. “I don’t understand it. I know he loves you. I
know
it. Why is it so hard for him?”
    “You can’t understand because you haven’t experienced it. It’s easy for people to say when they haven’t lived it. And maybe it’s easy for some people to do but . . .”
    “You’d do it.”
    “How do you know that? I still haven’t come out to anyone.”
    “But you would, wouldn’t you? If you could be with Brandon?”
    I shrug. “Yeah, I think I would, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s simple to say,
I could do this, I could do that,
but a whole hell of a lot harder when you actually have to.”
    Charlie puts her arm through one of mine, hugging it, making me realize I missed having my best friend around. “I want you happy. Is there . . . I mean, have you? Is there anyone else?”
    I laugh. She can hardly say it. I’m the same way, even with her. “I love you, Charlie, but I don’t know if I can talk about this with you.”
    “You can talk about anything with me. We used to bathe together. I think that means we can share anything with each other.”
    I shake my head. “Not really. A fling maybe, but that’s all.”
    “A guy?”
    “Yeah.”
    “It’s hard on Nate. He doesn’t understand and Brandon doesn’t say anything. If you hadn’t told me when he called everything off, we never would have known.”
    The soft, probing tone in her voice, tells me exactly what she’s doing. She wants me to tell her something, but no matter what, there’s no way I can break Brandon’s trust by telling them all his fears about coming out. How could I make her understand anyway? How would she get that he feels like football is all he’s ever been good at. That it’s what he thinks his dad is proud of him for. Not that his dad’s all that into sports but because it gave Brandon something to excel at. That he’s so scared of who he is that he made himself believe football is
all
he is, because it’s easier that way.
    “I can’t, Charlie.”
    She sighs. “I knew you’d say that. You’re the most loyal person I know, Alec.”
    There’s nothing really to say to that, so I don’t reply. For the rest of the ride into the city, we talk about other stuff. School, her and Nate’s plans to go back to Lakeland Village this summer, like they always do. Her dad has MS. It was a tough time because he’d been working at their lake resort since he was a teenager. His wife left him and Charlie’s older sister, Sadie, went with her and then Charlie wanted college instead of her family lake cabins. He’s doing better though. He’s in a wheelchair now, but he’s also happier than he’s ever been. He’s engaged to a woman who really loves him. My parents also became partners with him and work there as well.
    We don’t stay in New York City too long and then we’re on our way back to their house. The train ride back is even quieter than the one in. I’m sure the only reason we went in the first place is because Charlie wanted to try and talk to me about Brandon. It sucks that we don’t know what to say to each other anymore.
    Counting both train rides, we were only gone from the house a little over five hours.
    Nate picks us up at the station. “Hey man . . . I thought you should know, Brandon’s friends from school are here.”
    Automatically I tense up. Then I get pissed at myself because what’s the big deal? I’m like Brandon and his friends. I play ball and talk shit and everything else. When Brandon and Nate used to come to Lakeland Village, he hung out with my friends and it didn’t matter. We always had some kind of game going or