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out of here before somebody cuts my leg open and digs around in my ankle for hidden treasure? I swear there's none in there. By the way, this is my daughter, Rhonda. Isn't she a stunner? Ignore her hair. It just needs a cut and a weave. But look at those gorgeous eyes and that bone structure.”
    I cringed. "He's my friend, a physician's assistant, Mom. James Connors. He's in my writers' group. He gave me a ride over from our meeting. James, this is my mom, Ethel Hamilton." The Queen . He reached out a hand to Mom, and I moved back to give him room in the tight space.
    What the heck. I popped the peppermint in my mouth.
    James shook Mom's hand with a winning smile and took a chocolate. "Thanks. I can't stay. I just—"
    "Nonsense," Mom said.
    I gave her a warning squint over his shoulder. She had a habit of telling my life's story, most embarrassing parts version, to any single man over the age of twelve who came within a mile of me, while filling his plate with canapés. She'd Dear Abby-ed and Betty Crocker-ed all the boys I'd brought home so completely that I'd never heard from them again.
    She patted her hair. "Sorry. With the surgery ax looming, I must look awful.”
    "You look lovely," James said. "Camera ready."
    "Why thank you," Mom beamed. "And we're getting on that plane to Australia next Wednesday come hell or high water.”
    Could be hell.
    "Hello?" Mom peered toward the shadows behind me, and Yvette's antennae peeked around the curtain.
    "Hi. Sorry about your accident, Mrs. Hamilton," Yvette said. "James, I'll just be out here.”
    Mom perked up at her growing audience. "Oh, come in!" She insisted on complete introductions, and I got pushed to the foot of the bed as she glowed at Yvette. "Are you a writer or another one of Rhonda's skating buddies?"
    Any subject but skating! I inhaled fast to change the subject, and the peppermint in my mouth dropped smack into my windpipe, where it set up shop and put down roots.
    "What kind of work do you do?" Mom asked Yvette.
    I tried inhaling, coughing, wheezing, bending over. Nothing worked. Oh, God.
    I poked Yvette, who shook me off, snuggling closer to James as Mom started a running commentary on her complete show biz genealogy, from her five aunts in Vaudeville to her flock of nephews in underwear modeling. So, relegated to the cheap seats, I started to choke to death on a peppermint candy. In a hospital room. Staggering backwards, I gestured wildly, flailing my arms, pointing at my throat.
    "And Aunt Marie …" Mom rummaged in her purse for a photo.
    My head felt light. Black spots appeared before my eyes. Also my life: Birth. Slap. Bottles. Blankie. Crib. Da-da. Shoes. Board books. Ear infection. Golden books …
    Just as I keeled over, Mom screamed.
    In three seconds, James's arms were around me from behind, double fists smacking my stomach with rib-breaking force. But nothing happened. Yvette, wide-eyed, skittered toward the door, but was unable to get around James and me. So she stood, horror-struck, right in front of me as James repositioned his hands. Except he lost his grip and I, now starting to black out, reeled toward Yvette, whose eyes got big and boingy like Roger Rabbit's. Shrimpy Yvette reflexively held out her hands as a shield against my oncoming form, so when I went down, I was perfectly impaled in the solar plexus by her small, pink, sequined handbag.
    Fwoomp! The peppermint flew high as both of us fell in a heap right by Mom's good foot. The whole room froze for an appalling second, breaths held, eyes bulging, as the tiny, spinning mint flew toward my mother, landing in her lap with a plop. I sputtered and coughed as James pulled me off Yvette and onto a chair.
    "Ahh!" Mom hissed. A squashed Yvette struggled up from her landing place on Mom's bed as James brought me water, breathing hard, his eyes big.
    The thunderous silence broke when my mother's face cracked open and she clapped. "Bravo! Very convincing, everyone!" Sotto voce, she said to me, "I see