Putting the Madge in Danna Read Online Free PDF Page B

before
you read this entry, because hard liquor is the only thing that
helped me after it happened. I drank half a bottle of the brandy my
Dad had made from apricots last summer. It was pretty good for
moon-shine. I think he was saving it for the family
night-before-the-wedding party. Oh well. Hope I don’t sound too
inebriated, as I attempt to recollect this adventurous
encounter.
    My appointment with Chad Mavis was scheduled
for noon today, but it had been very difficult to shake Connie
Zepkos, Zeus’ mom. She had wanted me to meet her at Zepkos Cleaners
then she’d planned to take me out shopping for sheets and towels.
She kept me on the phone for hours talking all sorts of
Suzi-homemaker shitilda. Needless to say, but I wasn’t about to
shoo her away. She’s my fiancé’s mother, and I do love her like a
mother. Like my mother’s best friend, really, because that’s who
she is. She’s like my mom’s twin only a little more foreign. I
think that’s because she was born in Athens and not Albany like Mom
was. I promised to meet her tomorrow, which would have given me
time to wash the fuck off my other face (referring to my hooey
there).
    I doubt she’ll notice a
change in me, but she is known to believe in the evil eye and that
kind of freaks me out. She wears these eyeball necklaces all the
time, even gave me this gy-normous blue one at my bridal shower. I
hope she can’t sense the smell of another man on me. That would be
weird though, if she could. I might have to start wearing the
creepy eyeball to protect myself from her .
    I had barely enough time
to dress for my first Madonna-style conquest. I wore the La Perla
white lace bra with matching thong from my wedding trousseau, and
my strappy stone encrusted wedding shoes (hey, I have to break in
my Jimmy Choos if I’m to do hours of folk dancing at my wedding,
right?) The white eyelet sundress with the halter straps didn’t
cover the bra straps but that was the idea. I was my own version
of Like a Virgin ,
all done up in gold coin, pearls and a diamond cross around my
neck. I wore my hair in a loose bun that I could yank out at the
fucky-wuck witching hour.
    I met Chad at 12:45pm. He
looked like he was packing up for the day when I walked in. I guess
he’d thought I was just a tease, with my smarmy cunt currency sexy-talk, and I
didn’t blame him because I was forty-five minutes late. I’m not normally so
unprofessional, but like I said, it was sort of Mrs. Zepkos’
fault.
    I said, “Hi. Sorry I’m late, wedding stuff,
you know.” I could see a look in his eyes that said he didn’t
really care what my dealio was, but I still decided to throw Connie
under the bus. “Zeus is always telling me that I should be prompt
because it’s a sign of maturity, but my future mother-in-law and
I….”
    “ You sure you want to get
married?” he asked, interrupting my explanation.
    “ What do you mean?” I
asked back. I thought he was about to hit me with his best come on
seduction. Would it be something like him yanking at his
erectasaurus and saying, because you have
more gusto to grab, darlin’! And
then, you want a piece of this?
    “ My wife and I barely have
sex anymore,” he said instead.
    I blurted, “Why not? Is there something
wrong with your cock?”
    Yeah, I know, I should
work on that thinking-before-opening-my-trap routine. I must have
sounded like my great-grandmother, Yaya Mellania, from Mykonos, who
is a Greek version of Sophia from Golden
Girls .
    “ Uh, no,” Chad Mavis
replied. “She just lost interest in it, I guess.”
    I felt kind of sorry for him for getting
stuck with a Mrs. Frigid, but the truth was, I thought, TMI alert.
I’ll let you in on a secret, bloggers. Women love sex. You just
have to push the right buttons with us - everybody knows that, or
else it’s just shut down time, like the way you shut down when math
is too hard.
    I had to keep my arms at my sides because I
had that urge to play the self-destructing robot. You