Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase Read Online Free PDF

off?”
    “Weren’t you the busy little Girl Scout today?” she replies with a trusting smile before scrawling a “JL” in the margin.
    “Yes. Yes, I was,” I agree, bobbing my head with great sincerity.
    Sucker.
    From this moment on, every time I’m out of her sight for more than an hour, I return with heroic tales of badge-completing feats. Her signatures begin to rack up on the page and at the next award ceremony, I take home four new embroidered beauties.
    I thrill over how these badges feel in my palm and I run my fingers over them all the way home.
    However, once I get to my house and we affix them to my sash, I’m less excited. I have only five little badges, which are supposed to be sewn on in rows of three. I don my sash and drag a kitchen chair into the bathroom so I can stand up and see myself in the mirror properly.
    Huh.
    I turn back and forth, examining myself from all angles. Suddenly, this is a lot less thrilling. My badges don’t look symmetrical, despite the fine tailoring of the rest of my uniform. Plus there’s a ton of blank green space between where the badges end and the bottom of the sash.
    I scowl at my reflection.
    No. No, this won’t do at all. These badges are a mere thimbleful of water in an ocean of merit. My sash isn’t the source of pride that I’d expected it to be. Rather, it’s a testament to everything I’ve yet to accomplish. I see myself in this sash and I feel at loose ends, incomplete, a washed-up ex-hippie at eight.
    Then, out of nowhere, I’m struck with divine inspiration. Could it really be that easy? Could I honestly solve my existential angst with a few quick slashes of ink?
    I get off my chair and return it to the kitchen. Then I take a pad of paper and a pen and practice writing the initials “JL” over and over again until they’re identical to all the other signatures in my manual.
    Forgery; the victimless crime.

    Mrs. McCoy seems kind of sad when she hands over my stack of new badges during the ceremony, and later she prattles on about the importance of honesty while we work on yet another stupid hand-sewn wallet. I sip my Hawaiian Punch and do my best to ignore her gimlet gaze. A number of Scouts are sheepish and I take comfort in knowing I’m probably not the only liar of the group.
    Besides, I’ve just scored enough badges to fill up the entire front of my sash. I will no longer be mistaken for some lowly cadet—instead I’m going to look like the colonel of the Girl Scouts! Admiral Lancaster, at your service!
    Mrs. McCoy tells us she has a surprise—today we get our order forms because we’re going to start selling cookies! A mighty cheer erupts from our group; who doesn’t love Girl Scout cookies? Is there anything more decadent than the sweet ambrosia of a frozen Thin Mint melting in your mouth while you wash it down with a rich creamy glass of whole milk? Is there anything more comforting than a few Shortbreads served with a golden cup of tea on a snowy afternoon? Or can there be a more perfect pairing than the chocolate and peanut butter in the Tagalong? 17
    I run all the way home after the meeting in order to affix my new badges to my sash. I want to be at my Girl Scouty best when I ring doorbells in the name of my troop. My mom helps me with the safety pins and then lickety-split, I’m out the door with my vibrant sales brochure, depicting all the cookies’ deliciousness in full color.
    As I head down my street, I feel a swell of pride every time I glance down at my magnificent sash. Yes. This is exactly how I’d hoped it would be. I brush away any niggling thoughts I have about not really earning my badges, as no one knows my dirty little secret.
    I knock on my closest neighbors’ doors first. Mrs. Schneider across the street obliges with a few boxes of Shortbread—excellent with tea, I remind her—and Mrs. DeGeorge stocks up on the sandwich and chocolate chip varieties. I appreciate her order, but honestly, the chocolate chips are