Pancakes Taste Like Poverty: And Other Post-Divorce Revelations Read Online Free PDF

fantasized my wedding to various fantasy
celebrity boyfriends at least a dozen
times.
    But I have three kids.
    THREE!
    FUCKING.
    THREE!!!
    I went out to eat the other day with his mom (I
didn't pay for it) to have a delish half sandwich and soup and the
little shit-head line cooks were like "Hey, check it out, that
girl's hot."
    Then another one goes "Pfffft, three kids,
man. No way."
    OH MY GOD!
    Loser-ish line cooks at Random Sandwich Cafe
think I have too many kids to be dateable!?!?
    NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!
    Not! Okay!
    NO!
    And then there's the other end of the spectrum.
Say I meet a guy and he's like "Three kids, wow, no problem. I
love kids. I can't wait to meet them."
    Then I'll be scared that he's a molester! I mean,
this is Florida. I would be so suspicious of a guy who
was okay with my having three kids that I would probably turn him
over to the police within minutes.
    Ugh, a conundrum.
    But apparently, there are guys dating
single moms.
    My single mom friends go on dates. Personally, I
don't have time to brush my fuggin' teeth let alone go on a date.
Plus I've only been on one that I can remember. The guy hit on me at
Barnes and Noble. We talked for hours after he gave me his number. We
went to dinner and saw a movie.
    Then as he was driving me back to my car I
noticed the carseat in the back of his SUV. He had three kids,
apparently aged eight , six ,
and four.
    "How old are you?" I finally asked.
    " Thirty-seven ."
    Um...I was fifteen.
    Awkward.
    And illegal and gross.
    I'm lying again, that's not the only date
I ever went on but it was the first. I think my ex-husband took me
out a few times in the beginning.
    But then there's that hideous single-parent
double standard.
    Single dad = Aww, how sweet, taking time for
his kids, dedicated father
    Single mom = Same ol' shit
    Fuck my life. I think the ideal scenario would be
a long distance relationship that spans decades like in Brokeback
Mountain. Goin' on "fishin' trips" and making out in the
woods and havin' hot, dangerous anal.
    (whoa, sorry...got carried away)
    But, alas, I think for the next couple of years
my only romantic partners will come with batteries.
    And another alas, actually, I can't even keep
those around because my kids are too damn sneaky and I wouldn't know
where to hide one if I had one.
    U gh.
    .I miss makin' out. Sequins and Leopard Print
    I was folding clothes with my
oldest child, Jaya (rhymes with papaya, not that complicated) and she
dropped a knowledge bomb on me:
    “Mom, all of your pajamas are really
colorful like pinks and oranges and yellows but your, like, real life
clothes are all black and gray and dark blue. It’s like you’re
secretly exciting but don't show it.”
    WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?
    Ugh, she’s right!
    Sidebar: Am
I
ever right these days? Seems everyone else is.
    In my head I am all sequins and leopard and red
and hot pink and punk rock and glam and nose piercing and more
tattoos. But on the outside I am Frumpty Dumpty professional mom in
discount jeans and a wide variety of black, gray or navy V- neck
twofer t-shirts.
    Sometimes I get crazy with a flower headband - always in black though. What the hell is
that about?
    I mean it, I’m not about to say something
really deep and inspiring. Seriously, what the mother eff is that
about?
    I went shopping today to help look for a big girl
job. Any job that requires me to actually talk to people and actually
wear something other than yoga pants and flip-flops is currently out
of my reach. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had to wear heels
in over a year and I only recently started wearing clothes that
weren’t workout/pajama hybrids.
    Anywho, I went to the Maxx – because that’s
what broke, er, frugal people do – and I got a cool
Calvin Klein suit. Then I went shopping for some shoes because I
purged myself of all sexy shoes sometime in 2008. I hit the DSW and
found some awesome mustard yellow pumps. They were so amazing. They
were also in teal.
    I didn’t