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confused in my head. I almost left her, but that isn’t what I want. I want to sleep with other women, yes, but I want Susan, too. She is strong and sexy and just as surprising as those strangers. I don’t want them instead of her. Maybe there is a way I can have both. I don’t know. I do know that this love is important.
    When the end comes, when the ice caps melt and the seas boil and the sky falls, I won’t want to be hiding in some stranger’s bathroom.
    I will want Susan’s hand in mine.
    Yours truly,
    Joey Comeau

    Dear Sirs or Madams!
    I hope you will consider me for a position with Nova Magnetics. My resume details my experience with magnet technical sales, but I would like to take some time to explain my other qualifications as well. When I was a child I accidentally swallowed a small kitten-shaped fridge magnet. It’s still inside me, lodged in my intestine somewhere, and I hope to God that it stays there. It gives me special powers.
    Do you know anyone who can see perfectly in the dark? Cats can do it. Owls. Heck, my little brother had abnormally good night vision, God rest his soul. But do you know anyone who goes completely blind if the sun even goes behind a cloud?
    Well you do now.
    And that’s the least of my powers — I have others. For example, I have a form of ESP that allows me to consistently pick losing lottery numbers, and generally make poor life choices. I consistently make poor life choices. I had a shirt made up that says, “I consistently make poor life choices.” The shirt was not very popular. I can come up with unpopular t-shirt slogans on the spot.
    â€œKiss me, I have no night vision.”
    â€œThis womb drops babies!”

    And, my least popular shirt, “Threesome?”
    I wore this one on a date with my girlfriend, Susan. The date did not go well.
    â€œCome on,” I said.
    â€œNope,” she said.
    I am not a freak because I want to sleep with two chicks at the same time. That is perfectly normal! I am a freak because there is a magnet shaped like a kitten stuck inside me. I would love to discuss this position further. Please call. I am free all the time now.
    Yours,
    Joey Comeau

    Dear Hallmark,
    Thank you for taking the time to review my greeting card ideas.
    Idea #1
    Front cover is a to-do list, scrawled on a notepad. The text reads: “Do dishes. Pick up light bulbs. Tell my lady that she means the world to me.” Inside text: “Apologize for pressuring her into a threesome.”
    Idea #2
    Front cover is a picture of a puppy dog with big, sad eyes. A Golden Retriever, maybe. Some breed that everyone loves, something vulnerable. The text on the front reads: “You think love has to last forever for it to be real. You think it isn’t true love unless it lasts until one of us is dead.” Inside text: “That isn’t love. That’s dog fighting.”
    Idea #3
    Front cover is a pretty butterfly, pinned under glass. The text reads, “I love you.” There is no inside text.
    Yours,
    Joey Comeau

    Dear Easy Rider Tours,
    I am writing to submit my application for the position of bicycle tour guide, and I am including my resume for your review. It outlines my years of experience with leading tours in general, and with leading bicycle tours in particular. I look forward to lending my individual brand of tour innovation to your company.
    The chance to lead a tour of Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island is an exciting opportunity for me. For years I have been developing a set of specialized theme tours of these two great provinces, and the chance to implement them with busloads of unsuspecting tourists is like a gift from heaven.
    I know that it’s difficult to assess potential tours based simply on a description, and so I have prepared a mock script of my “Nova Scotia Tour of Joey’s Ex-lovers,” even though I feel it would be better to work unscripted — to maintain a level of