Once More With Footnotes Read Online Free PDF Page B

his weight.
     
                  "Drink?" said the Devil.
     
                  "Don't mind if I do," said Crucible.
     
                  "Very nice drink, this," said Crucible. "Yo ur own recipe?"
     
                  "Yes. Quite simple — two pints bats' blood, one — I say! You've gone a funny colour! Feel all right?"
     
                  "Ulp! Ghack! Um — quite all right, thanks. Er — shall we get down to business?"
     
                  "Okay."
     
                  "Well, as I see it, our main difficulty will be to make the public take Hell — and you for that matter — seriously. I mean, the generally accepted theory of Hell is a sort of fiery furnace, with you prodding lost souls with a pitchfork and hordes of demons and what-not running around yelling — Hey, that remind s me, where is everybody — er, soul?"
     
                  "Who?"
     
                  "Lost souls and demons and banshees and what-not?"
     
                  "Oh, them. Well, like I said, no-one has been down here for two thousand years, except that nit, Dante. And all the souls down here gradually worked their w ay up to Purgatory, and thence to — yes, well, the demons all got jobs elsewhere."
     
                  "Tax collectors," murmured Crucible.
     
                  "Quite so. As for fiery furnaces, the only one still in working order is the Mark IV, over there in the corner. Very useful for my cul inary efforts but not for much else."
     
                  "Hm. I see. Have you a map of Hell handy?"
     
                  "I think so." The Devil rummaged in an old oak desk behind him and produced a roll of yellow parchment. "This is the newest map I have."
     
                  "It'll do. Now let me see. Hum. I take it this is where we came in. "
     
                  " Yes! That shading is the Sulphur Plain."
     
                  "That's good. I'm sure the Acme Mining Company' would give a lot to have the mining rights — "
     
                  " Oh, yes?"
     
                  "Of course, we would have to build a proper road over it for the incr eased transport "Oh, yes?"
     
                  "Get a large tunnel dug down from Earth — "
     
                  "Coffee bar here. Dance Hall there. Race track a t the far end. Bowling Alley over — "
     
                  "We could put a Fun-fair here — "
     
                  " Leaving room for a restaurant there — " "Put some ice-cream stalls here and here, and here — " "All-night Jazz band there. Get in touch with your demons and offer them higher wages to come back to help run the place — " "Get Orpheus to organize a Jazz band — I'm sure Apollo would oblige — " And so it continued. Soon the map wa s covered in symbols representing everything from a dance hall to a cycle-track. Then they sat back and discussed Stage One: putting Hell in the public eye.
     
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                  Of course, there were difficulties at first. The time when the Devil materialized in the middl e of the pitch on Cup-Final day springs to mind. Still, he got a front page splash in all the popular newspapers. A famous Brewery sued him for loss of custom, since most of the Cup Final spectators signed the pledge after seeing him.
     
                  Telephone lines all over the world smouldered, melted, and slowly fused together as Crucible was plagued with offers from the big financial magnates. Advertising firms fought for the Devil's patronage. Work on the London-Hell tunnel was progressing fast under Crucible's sup e rvision. The Devil moved in with him, saying that all the cranes and bulldozers and what-not were making Hell hell.
     
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                  "See how Cerberus loves his 'Yummy-Doggy!' Your dog can have