Notes to Self Read Online Free PDF

a plain desk, and a twin bed made up with a dove gray comforter, corners tucked in. A huge pile of throw pillows covered almost the whole thing. I saw a spray bottle sitting on the window sill with a roll of paper towel next to it. The walls were mostly plain, except for two prints and a poster: Starry Night, Chagall’s Lovers in Moonlight , and Ryan Gosling in movie ad I’d taken from an out-of-business Blockbuster. On the desk—exactly in the middle—sat a closed white Macbook. Everything was perfect, and for the first time in two days, I felt calm. Yes. This is my place.
    I had this theory that if you could see someone’s room, you could see their mind. Like, if they had a messy room, they probably had a disorganized brain. I’d always wanted to see the bedrooms of the boys I had crushes on, so I could understand them better. The thought made the corners of my mouth turn down. My room was neater than a military barracks but my brain was like a half-digested fruit salad. So much for that theory.
    I sprinkled some food into Z’s bowl and leaned down to put my face as close to hers as possible. “I fell,” I whispered.
    “I’ll leave you alone to rest, honey. Let me know if you need anything.” Mom turned my ceiling fan on low and retreated with one of Dr. K’s brain injury books.
    I opened the closet. Jeans and a few pairs of leggings were hung neatly on white plastic hangers. A collection of hoodies and t-shirts were stacked in piles on the floor. The room began to spin. I put my hand on the desk chair to steady myself and pulled the comforter and pillows off of the bed. I was slightly out of breath, dizzy. My sun-warmed skin was clammy. I put the comforter and pillows into the closet, pulled the sliding door mostly closed behind me, and fell asleep there, nestled among the dark piles of my clean clothes. I didn’t care if it was day or night. Time didn’t matter anymore.
     
     
     
     
    CHAPTER 10
    MAKE A LIST AND CHECK IT TWICE
     
    A knock at my bedroom door startled me. I looked up from my computer.
    Earlier, when I’d woken up from my nap and tried to take a shower, I couldn’t remember what to do once I got in there. I just stood under the water, staring at all the bottles, confused. It seriously freaked me out. I stood there until the hot water ran out, not knowing what to do. While I dried off, crying, I remembered what the doctor had said about writing notes to myself—carrying around instructions. But what the hell was I supposed to do, Google “tips for showering?”
    That’s actually kind of what I did. I typed a list from what I found. It was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever done, and I’m a person who once ate an entire container of lemon frosting on a dare. Or did I see that on TV?
     
    1) Get hair wet.
    2) Rub shampoo in.
    3) Rinse hair.
    4) Put conditioner in.
    5) Wait.
    6) Rinse conditioner out.
    7) Wash face.
    8) Soap of rest of body with body wash and mesh sponge thing.
    9) Rinse.
     
    I didn’t want to tell Mom what had happened. I knew she’d insist on helping me and I would have to demand that she leave me alone, and try not to notice when she looked all sad. It was just easier to avoid her as much as possible like I always did.
    I needed to find a way to laminate my shower list so that it wouldn’t get soggy in the bathroom steam. “Come in,” I said, pushing my desk chair back.
    The door swung open slowly and Reno Weisman walked into my room. I smiled. I was happy to see him even though we hadn’t hung out in forever. He was tall, one year older than me, and had light brown hair that hung to his chin. His hazel eyes stared out at me from behind black-rimmed glasses. He’d always been super skinny, but I could see that he wasn’t any more. His shoulders were broad.
    “Jesus, Robin.” Reno raked his hair back from his face. “Your mom called yesterday and told me what happened.” He pulled a chair out from the corner and sat down on it backward, just like he used