Nostradamus Ate My Hamster Read Online Free PDF Page B
Author: Robert Rankin
glass eye. Obviously this robber band owned to a few disabled members. It was all quite dramatic.
But it was bugger all compared to what Uncle John witnessed back at the police station. The suspect had not been taken to the cells, he was being interviewed in the chief constable’s office. And Uncle John knew that if you climbed up on a box in the back corridor you could see in through a little hatch and look down into this office.
I don’t know how he knew this, but he did know it, so he lost no time in shinning up and taking a peep.
What he saw was to remain with him for the rest of his life.
The Captain and several of the squaddies had the suspect held down across the chief constable’s desk. They grasped him by the hands and feet and the suspect was screaming. One of the squaddies pushed a handkerchief into his mouth and The Captain pulled at the man’s clothing. He was undressing him. As my uncle looked on, The Captain pulled down the man’s trousers to reveal a pair of artificial limbs.
My uncle was amazed, this man was an invalid, he didn’t have any legs.
Then the jacket was pulled from him and his shirt. The man’s arms weren’t real. They were false arms with false hands. The man was a total amputee.
My uncle says that The Captain was shouting. He shouted, “You see, he’s
all
of them.
All
of them.” And it was only later that my uncle realized what it meant. This man was
all
the criminals. He was the child and the woman and the tall man and the fat man, and who knows who else. He obviously owned a collection of different-sized arms and legs. He could make himself as tall or short as he wanted, depending upon which he wore. My uncle worried about the arms and hands though. He’d seen false legs in action, Douglas Bader flew Spitfires wearing false legs. But how could false arms and hands work? But somehow they did, this man was obviously one master of disguise and one most extraordinary master criminal.
As Uncle John looked on, he saw The Captain unstrapping the man’s false arms and legs. The man was really struggling, like a lunatic. He spat out the handkerchief, but a squaddie rammed it back in again. When the arms and legs had been removed the man didn’t struggle quite so much, but he writhed about. It was quite horrible to watch apparently, but Uncle John said that it was all too fascinating to turn away from. Although he wishes he had now.
What happened next was really freaky. One of the squaddies was holding onto the man’s hair and it came away in his hands. It was a wig, but when it came away it brought the man’s ears along with it. They were false ears. And when the squaddie tried to put the wig back on, he knocked off the man’s nose.
The Captain was worrying at the man’s vest and he ripped that open to expose a number of buckles and straps and these he began to undo. The man’s shoulders came off next, they were just rounded pads. His chest was a sort of stuffed bra affair and when The Captain tore off the man’s underpants, his genitals were made of rubber.
Things got somewhat out of control then. My uncle recalls seeing a squaddie pulling the handkerchief out of the man’s mouth, bringing with it the teeth and lips. The skin of the face appeared to be latex and it came off like a mask, revealing a hard dark material that might have been wood.
A rib cage, that was obviously wood, got yanked away. Inside was a lot of stuffing, like a Guy Fawkes dummy, and within minutes the entire frame was disassembled, leaving absolutely nothing.
There was no man inside there, not one little piece of a man.
And that is basically the end of the story as my uncle told it. He swore it was true and that he saw it happen with his own eyes. He was a retired policeman and I for one find it hard to believe that he made it up. I’ve never heard anything like it before and I don’t pretend to know what it means. But that’s it.
Further questioning on my part turned up a very little.
But it was bugger all compared to what Uncle John witnessed back at the police station. The suspect had not been taken to the cells, he was being interviewed in the chief constable’s office. And Uncle John knew that if you climbed up on a box in the back corridor you could see in through a little hatch and look down into this office.
I don’t know how he knew this, but he did know it, so he lost no time in shinning up and taking a peep.
What he saw was to remain with him for the rest of his life.
The Captain and several of the squaddies had the suspect held down across the chief constable’s desk. They grasped him by the hands and feet and the suspect was screaming. One of the squaddies pushed a handkerchief into his mouth and The Captain pulled at the man’s clothing. He was undressing him. As my uncle looked on, The Captain pulled down the man’s trousers to reveal a pair of artificial limbs.
My uncle was amazed, this man was an invalid, he didn’t have any legs.
Then the jacket was pulled from him and his shirt. The man’s arms weren’t real. They were false arms with false hands. The man was a total amputee.
My uncle says that The Captain was shouting. He shouted, “You see, he’s
all
of them.
All
of them.” And it was only later that my uncle realized what it meant. This man was
all
the criminals. He was the child and the woman and the tall man and the fat man, and who knows who else. He obviously owned a collection of different-sized arms and legs. He could make himself as tall or short as he wanted, depending upon which he wore. My uncle worried about the arms and hands though. He’d seen false legs in action, Douglas Bader flew Spitfires wearing false legs. But how could false arms and hands work? But somehow they did, this man was obviously one master of disguise and one most extraordinary master criminal.
As Uncle John looked on, he saw The Captain unstrapping the man’s false arms and legs. The man was really struggling, like a lunatic. He spat out the handkerchief, but a squaddie rammed it back in again. When the arms and legs had been removed the man didn’t struggle quite so much, but he writhed about. It was quite horrible to watch apparently, but Uncle John said that it was all too fascinating to turn away from. Although he wishes he had now.
What happened next was really freaky. One of the squaddies was holding onto the man’s hair and it came away in his hands. It was a wig, but when it came away it brought the man’s ears along with it. They were false ears. And when the squaddie tried to put the wig back on, he knocked off the man’s nose.
The Captain was worrying at the man’s vest and he ripped that open to expose a number of buckles and straps and these he began to undo. The man’s shoulders came off next, they were just rounded pads. His chest was a sort of stuffed bra affair and when The Captain tore off the man’s underpants, his genitals were made of rubber.
Things got somewhat out of control then. My uncle recalls seeing a squaddie pulling the handkerchief out of the man’s mouth, bringing with it the teeth and lips. The skin of the face appeared to be latex and it came off like a mask, revealing a hard dark material that might have been wood.
A rib cage, that was obviously wood, got yanked away. Inside was a lot of stuffing, like a Guy Fawkes dummy, and within minutes the entire frame was disassembled, leaving absolutely nothing.
There was no man inside there, not one little piece of a man.
And that is basically the end of the story as my uncle told it. He swore it was true and that he saw it happen with his own eyes. He was a retired policeman and I for one find it hard to believe that he made it up. I’ve never heard anything like it before and I don’t pretend to know what it means. But that’s it.
Further questioning on my part turned up a very little.