Nights Like This Read Online Free PDF

wondered how many women had screamed their lovers’ names under this ceiling. I wondered how many women, like me, had stayed silent as they enjoyed the affections of one who loved them.
    â€œJess!”
    I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth with slow, gentle motions.
    â€œBaby, your breakfast will get cold.”
    â€œAnd so we have microwaves,” I said to myself.
    I spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed. I washed my face and the cool water felt refreshing. I wiped my face and then folded the towel into squares to see how many times I could fold it. Then I unfolded the squares and threw the towel onto the bar where it usually hung. I missed. I did not pick it up. I liked the idea of a fallen towel in Anjali’s life. She would question me about how it got there, what happened to it, had it fallen? It amused me how the little asymmetries of life frustrated her. As I stepped out of the bathroom onto wilted rose petals, I felt guilty for my thoughts. I looked at half burnt candles and slips of paper here and there. She had planned a proposal and not only had I ruined it, I was annoyed with her. And for what? I didn’t even know. What was wrong with me?
    When I went to the kitchen, I found her pulling a bagel out of the toaster.
    â€œIt’s stuck,” she said.
    â€œOf all the things you have in this place, why don’t you have one of those wide slot toasters?” I asked.
    She looked at me with some confusion. Then her eyes cleared and were simple and beautiful once again.
    â€œWe’ll get a toaster. I never really ate enough toast to notice what I had.”
    She chuckled. I watched her walk over to me. She stood still. She placed her hands on my shoulders and then moved them to my back. She kissed my mouth before she hugged me. Then she held me. Even though everything in Anjali’s life was free of risk and unpredictability, I was her greatest risk, her imminent downfall, the one thing she pursued and loved with reckless abandon. And while I knew that, I didn’t know what to do with that.
    I did not understand her giving me a full throttle hug all because I said she should get a wide slot toaster. Was all this affection necessary? Was it at all warranted? Did I deserve this love? I would say “No.” But she couldn’t stand to see me upset about anything, not even toast. And that is how she loved me, regardless of my own shameless manipulations. And instead of being grateful or accepting, I was indifferent and increasingly irritated.
    â€œAnjali …” I said.
    She pulled away and looked at me. Her eyes were clouded with expectancy, the green in them obscured by some fear or threat.
    â€œJess, last night was amazing.”
    I said nothing.
    â€œDidn’t you enjoy it?”
    â€œI came,” I said.
    â€œSee. We are so, so good together. Last night, last night was…amazing.”
    I looked towards the window. The sky was a pale blue with streams of clouds.
    â€œIf we are meant to be together,” I said, “then we will end up there, right? We’re together here and now as we are, let it be.”
    Sometimes, I hated myself for the lines I recycled and reused. But it came easy to me, this game of words, this circle where the exits lay in the corners. Why the fuck do you love me so much, Anjali Chopra?
    â€œYou really believe that?” she asked as she ran her fingers through my hair.
    â€œYes.”
    She walked away from me and looked out of the window. The silence between us said more than we ever could have. And, ultimately, it said we were both fools.
    She was still facing the window. I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. She turned around and placed her head on my shoulder.
    â€œLet’s eat,” I said.
    â€œYou hungry?” she asked.
    â€œYes, very.”
    She smiled. And with that smile, I felt both absolved of my guilt and yet guilty as sin.
    She allowed me to sit as she buttered half