Napalm and Silly Putty Read Online Free PDF Page B

unsolicited pictures of their kids? What’s that all about? It bothers me. I hate to keep throwing away perfectly good pictures.
    When I see a guy with hair on his back I immediately relegate him to the animal kingdom.
    Every six minutes there’s a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I’m tellin’ ya, every day, house to house, there’s no letup. It’s a fuckin’ hassle.
    I haven’t eaten an ice cream sandwich in forty-seven years.
    Next time you see Bing Crosby playing a priest in a movie, picture him beating his children in real life.
    I’ve never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
    Here’s some fun: Run into a bakery and ask if they can bake a cake in the shape of a penis. They’re never quite sure; they always have to have a meeting.
    “Well, I don’t know. Wait just a moment.”
    While they’re talking, pull out your schwanz and wave it all around.
    “Good Lord, Helen! Quick! Order extra flour!”
    I don’t think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.
    So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
    I think someone could make a lot of money if they set up a little stand at the Grand Canyon and sold Yo-Yos with 500-foot strings.
    Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me, it’s just one big, all-around, everyday rage. I don’t have time for fine distinctions. I’m busy screaming at people.
    There’s something I like about the clitoris, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
    Driving is fun. Did you ever run over a guy? And then you panic? So you back up and run over him again? You ever notice the second crunch is not as loud as the first? I think it’s because the guy already has tread marks on him. But there he is, lyin’ right in front of your car. Might as well run over him again. What’re you gonna do this time, drive around him?
    When Ronald Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?
    Sometimes they say the winds are calm. Well, if they’re calm, they’re not really winds, are they?
    I think a good title for a travel book would be Doorway to Norway.
    Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
    Would somebody please tell me what is so sacred about the Lincoln Bedroom? If it were the Ulysses S. Grant Bedroom, do you think people would’ve been as annoyed that Clinton rented it out to campaign donors? No. It’s just the bullshit Lincoln myth that caused the uproar.
    Why do they keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say, and basically no one gives a fuck.
    Murder investigators say that in most cases husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands, children kill parents, and parents kill children. Thank God for a little sanity in the world.
    Regarding the Boy Scouts, I’m very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
    If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing they’re all a part of?
    Where did this idea come from that if you’re a celebrity, and something bad happens to you, you have to devote your life to eliminating the same problem for everyone else? Michael J. Fox, Christopher Reeve, Mary Tyler Moore; they all work on curing their own afflictions. Why doesn’t a celebrity with milk leg ever do something about dandy fever? How about an actor with woolsorter’s disease raising money for the victims of swimming pool granuloma? That’s the trouble with Hollywood, no imagination.
    Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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    Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid