Mud Vein Read Online Free PDF Page B

always afraid that when I climb down the ladder Isaac won’t be there. He always is—ruffled and gaunt standing by the coffee machine. There is always fresh coffee in the pot when I come down. I can smell it as I descend the stairs. I always know Isaac is fine, and alive, and still there from the smell of the coffee. One morning when I climb down the ladder I don’t smell it. I run for the stairs almost breaking my neck as I jump down in twos. When I get to the kitchen I find him asleep at the table, his head resting on his arms. I make the coffee that day. My hands are steady, but my heart won’t stop racing.
     
    One day (evening?), Isaac climbs up the ladder and lowers himself next to where I am sitting, cross-legged in front of the fire. I have been thinking about suicide. Not my own, just suicide. There are so many ways. I don’t know why people are so uncreative when they kill themselves.
    We usually don’t leave the front door unguarded, but I can tell he wants to talk. I unfold my legs and stretch them toward the fire, wiggling my toes. We are running out of firewood, and Isaac says he’s not sure how big the generator is, but we could be running out of fuel in that too.
    “What are you thinking?” I ask, watching his face.
    “The carousel room, Senna. I think it means something.”
    “I don’t want to talk about the carousel room. It freaks me out.”
    His head snaps sharply toward me. “We’re gonna talk about it. Unless you’d like to stay locked up here forever.”
    I shake my head, twist my skunk streak around my finger. “It’s a coincidence. It doesn’t mean anything.”
    He pulls his lips back from his teeth and his head rocks from side to side. “Daphne is pregnant.”
    It’s that silent moment when you hear the rushing of water in your eyes. My eyes jerk to his face.
    “Eight weeks the last time I saw her.” He licks his lips and turns to look at me. “We did three rounds of in vitro to get pregnant, had two miscarriages.” He rubs his forehead. “Daphne is pregnant and I need to talk about the carousel room.”
    I nod dumbly.
    I feel something. I push it away. Bury it.
    “Who knows about what happened?” he asks, gently. I watch the fire eat the logs. For a minute I’m not sure which instance he’s referring to. There were so many. The carousel, I remind myself. It’s such a strange memory. Nothing fancy. But private.
    “Only you. That’s why it seems unlikely…” I look at him. “Did you—?”
    “No … no, Senna, never. That was our moment. I didn’t even want to think about it after.”
    I believe him. For a long second our eyes are locked and the past seems to float between us—a frail soap bubble. I break eye contact first, looking down at my socks. Patterned socks, not white. I searched for white, but all that was stocked for me were knee length patterned socks. A deviation from my character. I wear my new, colorful socks over my tights. Today, they are purple and grey. Diagonal stripes.
    “Senna…?”
    “Yes, sorry. I was thinking about my socks.”
    He laughs through his nose, like he’d rather not laugh. I’d rather he not laugh, too.
    “Isaac, what happened on the carousel was … personal. I don’t tell people things. You know that.”
    “Okay, let’s forget how this … this … person knows. Let’s assume he does. Maybe it’s a clue.”
    “A clue?” I say in disbelief. “To what? Our freedom? Like this is a game?”
    Isaac nods. I study his face, look for a joke. But, there are no jokes in this house. There are just two stolen people, clutching knives as they sleep.
    “And they call me the fiction writer,” I say it to make him angry, because I know he’s right.
    I make to stand up, but he grabs my wrist and gently pulls me back down. His eyes travel across the span of my nose and my cheeks. He’s looking at my freckles. He always did that, like they were works of art rather than screwed up pigment. Isaac doesn’t have freckles. He has