Mr Mulliner Speaking Read Online Free PDF Page B

love. He called upon Cyprian at his flat and put the thing to him squarely. Cyprian listened attentively, stroking his left side-whisker with a lean hand.
     
'Ah?' said Cyprian. 'One senses, does one, a reluctance on the girl's part to entertain one's suggestions of marriage?'
     
'One does,' replied Ignatius.
     
'One wonders why one is unable to make progress?'
     
'One does.'
     
'One asks oneself what is the reason?'
     
'One does – repeatedly.'
     
'Well, if one really desires to hear the truth,' said Cyprian, stroking his right whisker, 'I happen to know that Hermione objects to you because you remind her of my brother George.'
     
Ignatius staggered back, appalled, and an animal cry escaped his lips.
     
'Remind her of George?'
     
'That's what she says.'
     
'But I can't be like George. It isn't humanly possible for anybody to be like George.'
     
'One merely repeats what one has heard.'
     
Ignatius staggered from the room and, tottering into the Fulham Road, made for the Goat and Bottle to purchase a restorative. And the first person he saw in the saloon-bar was George, taking his elevenses.
     
'What ho!' said George. 'What ho, what ho, what ho!'
     
He looked pinker and stouter than ever, and the theory that he could possibly resemble this distressing object was so distasteful to Ignatius that he decided to get a second opinion.
     
'George,' he said, 'have you any idea why it is that your sister Hermione spurns my suit?'
     
'Certainly,' said George.
     
'You have? Then why is it?'
     
George drained his glass.
     
'You ask me why?'
     
'Yes.'
     
'You want to know the reason?'
     
'I do.'
     
'Well, then, first and foremost,' said George, 'can you lend me a quid till Wednesday week without fail?'
     
'No, I can't.'
     
'Nor ten bob?'
     
'Nor ten bob. Kindly stick to the subject and tell me why your sister will not look at me.'
     
'I will,' said George. 'Not only have you a mean and parsimonious disposition, but she says you remind her of my brother Cyprian.'
     
Ignatius staggered and would have fallen had he not placed a foot on the brass rail.
     
'I remind her of Cyprian?'
     
'That's what she says.'
     
With bowed head Ignatius left the saloon-bar and returned to his studio to meditate. He was stricken to the core. He had asked for inside information and he had got it, but nobody was going to make him like it.
     
He was not only stricken to the core, but utterly bewildered. That a man – stretching the possibilities a little – might resemble George Rossiter was intelligible. He could also understand that a man – assuming that Nature had played a scurvy trick upon him – might conceivably be like Cyprian. But how could anyone be like both of them and live?
     
He took pencil and paper and devoted himself to making a list in parallel columns of the qualities and characteristics of the brothers. When he had finished, he scanned it carefully. This is what he found he had written:
     
G EORGE
C YPRIAN
Face like pig
Face like camel
Pimples
Whiskers
Confirmed sponger
Writes art-criticism
Says 'What ho!'
Says 'One senses'
Slaps backs
Has nasty, dry snigger
Eats too much
Fruitarian
Tells funny stories
Recites poetry
Clammy hands
Bony hands
He frowned. The mystery was still unsolved. And then he came to the last item.
     
G EORGE
C YPRIAN
Heavy smoker
Heavy smoker
A spasm ran through Ignatius Mulliner. Here, at last, was a common factor. Was it possible . . .? Could it be . . .?
     
It seemed the only solution, and yet Ignatius fought against it. His love for Hermione was the lodestar of his life, but next to it, beaten only by a short head, came his love for his pipe. Had he really to choose between the two?
     
Could he make such a sacrifice?
     
He wavered.
     
And then he saw the eleven photographs of Hermione Rossiter gazing at him from the mantelpiece, and it seemed to him that they smiled encouragingly. He hesitated no longer. With a soft sigh such as might have proceeded from some loving father on