More Letters From a Nut

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Book: More Letters From a Nut Read Online Free PDF
Author: Ted L. Nancy
Tags: Humor, Essay/s, Form
Events Department
    City Hall
    CITY OF BRADENTON
    500 15th St. W
    Bradenton FL 34205-6727
    Feb 25, 1997
    Dear City Events Office,
    I understand the City of Bradenton will be sponsoring NUDE BALLOON RACES this coming March 28th. What an event! I understand there will be over 11,000 nude people converging on your beautiful city racing each other with balloons tied to them. I can’t wait!
    Where can I sign up? I have long admired nude balloon races and now I want to be a part of it. I have been involved in other nude events. I was a nude traffic school instructor for the city of Zarnsboro for 2 years.
    I want to make one thing clear: This is not nude hot air ballooning where many naked people go up in a balloon. This is nude people with balloons attached to them running down the street.
    Let me know where, when, and what about me? Thank you. I look forward to coming to your wonderful city and taking my clothes off. Please write back with info on how I can do this. I need lodging and food info. I look forward to hearing from you. Also, will I need a sweater then? Is it cool?
    Sincerely,

    Ted L. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

March 17 th , 1997
    Mr. Ted L. Nancy
    560 N. Moorpark Rd.
    #236
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    Dear Mr. Nancy,
    I received your letter of February 25 th , 1997 regarding Nude Balloon Races in our City on March 28 th , 1997.
    To my knowledge there is no such event planned. The City has not received any application or requests for permits and I doubt very seriously the City Council would even approve it if the application was submitted.
    However, thank you for your interest in our fine City, we have much to offer in other areas.
    Sincerely,

    Carl Callahan
    City Clerk & Treasurer

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No. Moorpark Rd. Apt. #236
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    Mr. Carl Callahan
    City Clerk & Treasurer
    CITY OF BRADENTON
    500 15th St. W
    Bradenton, FL 34205-6727
    Dec 15, 1997
    Dear Mr. Callahan,
    Thank very much for writing me back regarding the City Of Bradenton’s Nude Balloon Races. I am sorry to say I have been misinformed. These are not nude BALLOON races. These are NUDE BABOON races. I understand Bradenton will sponsor this for January 28th, 1998.
    Let me make one thing clear: These are not nude baboons racing down the street. These are nude people with balloons attached to them racing alongside baboons. There will be 11,000 nude baboons racing down your streets. (And nude people)
    Please send me information on: hotel, car rentals, baboon washes, vaccines, clip-ons. It’s nice that Bradenton thinks enough of its citizens and guests to put on this much needed event. I commend you! The one in France was a bust, so I hope this one goes smoothly. Nude loose baboons can be dangerous. (Especially when baboons AND people are nude). I have seen a biting incident. That person was cited!
    Thank you for answering my letter with city info.
    Once again, I look forward to coming to Bradenton and taking off my clothes.
    Sincerely,

    Ted L. Nancy



Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236
    Thousand Oaks, CA 91360
    Sept 3, 1996
    Tickets
    SAN DIEGO PADRES
    PO Box 2000
    San Diego, CA 92112-2000
    Dear Ticket Dept.,
    I want to come and see the San Diego Padres play in September. I love the Padres! Go San Diego!
    Because of my condition, I must walk with a portable shower over my head. My entire head area is kept in a vinyl enclosure with a shower constantly going on me. The top of my head must be kept wet at all times!
    While the top of my head needs to be soaked, my face and neck are dry. They are kept dry with a portable dryer I have attached to my collarbone. This dryer is similar to the one in a men’s room. While water drips on my face, a scoop under my neck drains the water and it filters through my pants. The vinyl enclosure is similar to a shower curtain. I can see the game this way.
    Will this interfere with others? There is no wetness outside my plastic
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