Moose Murdered: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Broadway Bomb Read Online Free PDF Page B

somehow managed to completely retract her “larger-than-life” persona at will—so convincingly, in fact, that (warning—spoiler ahead) when future casting director Stuart Howard had first visited the Force Ten headquarters, he mistook her for “the maid.”
    “They can’t get a handle on any of the five lead characters—not Hedda, or Snooks, or Howie, or Dagmar or Nelson,” continued John, “let alone Joe Buffalo Dance, Stinky, or Gay.”
    “Or Lauraine,” I said, referring to Hedda’s mousy and neurotic oldest daughter—one of my favorite characters.
    John sank back into his chair and delicately coughed up a little phlegm.
    “No,” he finally said. “Lillie’s playing Lauraine.”
    “Oh,” I said. “I didn’t know that.”
    “Really? Wow. I guess in my mind I’d already discussed it with you. Sorry.”
    “Would anyone care for some sparkling water?” asked Lillie.
    Dennis later suggested that this would have been the perfect time for me to say “Well, in
my
mind Dennis is playing Nelson.”
    What burned my ass was not so much that Lillie was going to play Lauraine (although I had a hunch we could find any number of less spectacularly beautiful candidates for the role out there somewhere), but that I, the father of the Moose, was apparently the last one to know about this nuptial agreement.
    Some time before John rolled this little grenade under my chair, Ricka had made arrangements for Force Ten Productions to meet with Vinnie and Andy later that afternoon. The rest of us, now walking on eggshells and exercising round-shouldered civility, might never have found the collective spines to venture out of the Dakota onto the mean streets below had Ricka not continued to take charge. She practically buttoned our coats before leading us out the door to take care of business. It was quite obvious where the “force” in Force Ten Productions came from.
    To our chagrin, Geoff and Andy weren’t particularly apologetic about the lack of progress with the casting for
Moose Murders
. As if speaking to very slow children, they explained to us that this was par for the course for most productions. “We spent two years trying to cast
Solomon’s Child
,” Geoff said, “intending to secure Dustin Hoffman or Al Pacino. We ended up with John McMartin. That’s the way it goes.”
    “But McMartin was good. He was really good ,” Andy was quick to add.
    “Please tell us exactly where things stand right now,” demanded Ricka.
    We were then given updates of the status of just about every actor who’d been approached to join the cast of
Moose Murders
. Alexis Smith was a definite “no,” no explanation offered. Zoe Caldwell’s production of
Medea
at the Kennedy Center in April would be moved to Broadway later in the season, so count her out, as well. There was chatter about a possible eleventh season of
Mash
which, of course, would tie up David Ogden Stiers, but rumor also had it that the TV drama
Lou Grant
was on its last legs, so Nancy Marchand might very well be “looking” again. Both Katherine Helmond and Carrie Nye had responded favorably to the script, but both wanted information on the rest of the cast, and about the director.
    “This ‘director’ issue is the biggest single concern for most of these folks,” Geoff said, after he and Andy had exhausted their notes. “There’s a lot of trepidation out there about unknown directors.”
    “Fine,” said John, petulantly. “I don’t mind trepidation, but it’s not as if my direction comes as a surprise
string
attached at the last minute. And I don’t appreciate all these ‘no’s’ without any reasons—especially when they come right after initial consents.”
    “They just don’t know your work,” said Geoff.
    “Well, that can be remedied. I’m directing a show at the Production Company at the beginning of March. But I’d rather not wait until then to see some results.”
    “Maybe we should explore soliciting some agent submissions