Monkeys Wearing Pants Read Online Free PDF Page B

impossible can only happen if each of those
people protrudes way in towards the seat. That is when you find
yourself with a face full of either someone's crotch or someone's
ass as those two people make enough physical contact to be
considered married in about 11 states.
    I watched a flight attendant put a verbal
smack down on a kid today, and it was beautiful. As our flight was
getting ready to take off, a couple of minutes after the
announcement had been made to turn off all electronics, a
20-something-year-old guy in a seat across the aisle was still
playing around with his tablet when an older, very sweet-looking
flight attendant came our way. When she got to our row she looked
over at the young man and said very nicely, “Excuse me, sir, I’m
going to need you to turn that off now.” Without looking up, the
kid muttered, “In a minute” in a tone that any parent would
instantly recognize as young people speak for, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY DOING SOMETHING? PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
FOR TWO MINUTES WHILE I FINISH THIS THING I’M DOING OF MONUMENTAL
IMPORTANCE THAT YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, JEEZ, AND OMG, STOP
BUGGING ME! The flight attendant smiled and said, “Sir? Sir?” until
the kid finally looked up at her. “Turn…that…off…right…now,” she
said in a tone that would have made Dirty Harry pee his pants,
accentuating each word like she was speaking to a naughty
two-year-old or a shoe-chewing puppy. The pleasant smile was still
there, but the eyes were flinty blue steel like David Banner’s
before turning into the Hulk. It was subtle, but it was there. It
was awesome. The kid’s eyes got big, and his jaw literally dropped,
and he froze for a second. If he had been a deer he would have been
certain road kill. When he snapped back, he got the tablet turned
off in about three seconds. He looked at the flight attendant like
a guilty Catholic schoolboy about to get his knuckles smacked on by
an industrial-strength ruler. “Thank you,” the flight attendant
said simply and sweetly before moving on. I wanted to cheer. It was
a beautiful thing.
    On my way to Las Vegas for three days of
meetings and seven minutes of fun. Going through security, I asked
the TSA guy if my fruit basket would be affected by the X-ray. "You
have a fruit basket in there?" he asked. "No. It was more of a
hypothetical question," I said. Hey...I just wanted to leave him
with food for thought.
    Sitting next to three nuns in the Portland
Airport. One has an iPad, one has a laptop, and one has a new smart
phone. Is there a God? I guess there's an app for that!
    The alarm clock in my hotel room didn’t work.
I called the front desk to see if I could get another one.
    Front Desk: Can I help you?
    Me: Hey, my alarm clock isn’t working. Can I
get another one?
    Front Desk: Oh. What’s wrong with it?
    Me: You can’t see the numbers.
    Front Desk: What numbers?
    Me: The numbers that you need to see to
actually determine the time. What a minute! Did I get a room for
clairvoyants?
    Front Desk: For what?
    Me: Never mind. So this clock is broken. Can
I get another one?
    Front Desk: Is it plugged in?
    Me: Sweet Jesus! I thought it was powered by
hydrogen. Let me check. Yes, it is plugged in.
    Front Desk: Did you dim it?
    Me: I may have tried to Dim sum it. Not
great. Tasted like chicken.
    Front Desk: Chicken?
    Me: No, I didn’t dim it.
    Front Desk: Oh, OK. So, do you want another
one?
    Me: I’m pretty sure that’s why I called.
    Front Desk: OK, I’ll have someone from
housekeeping bring you one in about 10 minutes.
    Me: Man, if only I could determine the
passing of time to know when 10 minutes have expired.
    Front Desk: Sorry?
    Me: Me too. Thanks.
    So, I'm driving down the freeway today with
the windows half open (my A/C stopped working the other day) when I
look over and see a wasp the size of a cocktail wiener doing the
Macarena on the inside of the passenger side window. No worries, I
think as I push the button to