Monkey Business Read Online Free PDF Page B

like to go to work for me, son?”
    I had never seen a happier monkey. He ran around in a circle, did handsprings and cartwheels, and ended the whole thing by bowing before me and saying, “Eee eee! Eee eee!”
    Fellers, that was good enough for me. I hired him on the spot.
    I looked down at the little guy and couldn’t help smiling. I mean, I had made him SO HAPPY!
    Here was a poor little monkey who was lost and alone, who’d been torn from his home and cast out into the cold, cruel world, who had no chance to advance or improve himself or use his talents, who’d been locked in a dark prison until I came along and flang open the doors of freedom.
    Hey, if you can’t make somebody happy in this old world, you might as well be somewhere else . . . although I don’t know where else you’d go, come to think of it.
    But the point is, I had brought absolute happiness to this monkey while at the same time solving a small problem of my own—namely, replacing a certain grumbling, begrudging, half-stepping, gold-bricking, hypocardiac little mutt as my First Assistant.
    It was shaping up to be a heck of a deal.
    â€œAll right, Monkey, now let’s get down to the conditions of your employment. Sit.” He sat, instantly, and I mean, I had his full attention. I liked that. “Here is a brief job description. You will attend to every tiny whim and desire of your master. Is that clear?”
    He rippled his lips and clapped.
    â€œEvery morning, you will bring a bowl of dog food to my bed. Then, while I’m eating, you will pick the grass stems, weed seeds, and stickers out of my coat. When I rise from my bed, you will snap to attention, do a backward flip, lift your hat three times, and then slap yourself hard on both cheeks. Try it once. Let’s see if you can do it.”
    Hey, this was a good monkey! He remembered the whole routine and followed it to the letter.
    â€œVery good, Monkey, although in actual practice, I’ll want you to slap yourself a little harder than that. It’s to remind you that, in the grand scale of things, you’re really not much.”
    You know what that monkey did then? He SLUGGED himself with each fist, and I mean, slugged himself so hard that it knocked him down!

    â€œThat’s more like it! You bet, that’s okay, just right. I like the way you do things, Monkey. Now, one last thing. When I tell you, ‘The Great Grand Potentate will now sit,’ I’ll expect you to have the ground swept clean before my hams touch down.”
    His face brightened. He nodded his head and went through the sweeping procedure. I walked over and examined the ground.
    â€œCould be cleaner, but not bad for the first time out. I think we’re ready to make our first appearance down at headquarters. You will go in front and clear my path of chickens, cats, and other obnoxious creatures. I will come along behind. Do you understand Us?”
    He clapped his hands and nodded his head.
    â€œVery good. Oh, before we set out, why don’t you slap yourself around a few more times, just to be sure you’ve got it.”
    Say, that monkey got after the program, slugged himself so hard on the chin that it knocked him out! I had to shake him a few times to bring him around.
    â€œThat was just right. I think you’ve got the idea. We will now proceed to ranch headquarters. Oh, one last thing, Monkey.” I placed a paw on his shoulder and spoke to him in a voice that was heavy with sincerity. “I’d rather the people at the house didn’t see you. They might try to send you back to your cruel master in the circus. Now that we’ve won your freedom, we don’t want to take any chances of losing it. It’s, uh, for your own good, do you understand?”
    He nodded and said, “Eee eee.”
    We set out for headquarters. Monkey went in front, walking on all-fours part of the time and on his hind legs part of the time. It