Mine Are Spectacular! Read Online Free PDF

spots and even out your skin tone. You can even give up sex—though who’d want to, Kate jokes—because the newest LED laser gives your cheeks that rosy post-coital flush. And unlike an orgasm, it lasts all day. She touts a cream that costs four hundred dollars an ounce and comes from dehydrated test-tube-cloned lizard pancreas. Or something like that. The exorbitant price and the exotic ingredients convince most of the audience they’ve found a gift from God.
    During the question-and-answer period, a few women ask high-minded questions about clinical trials and FDA approval. But the main thing on most people’s minds is—what are your office hours and how long do I have to wait for an appointment? I hope nobody’s having a freckle emergency, because I happen to know that Kate’s booked for the next four months. She’s made believers of us all.
    Well almost all. There’s always a naysayer in the crowd who needs to be converted.
    â€œI think all this is a bunch of hokum,” says a fair-skinned fortyish year old woman, standing up and identifying herself as Alva. “I don’t believe in all this age-defying, age-denying hocus-pocus. You’re a doctor so you should know physics. You can’t turn back the clock unless you’re traveling at the speed of light. And even Einstein couldn’t do that.”
    â€œThat’s because Einstein didn’t have lasers,” Kate says, dismissing the Nobel Prize winner’s work as unimportant—relatively. “And trust me, lasers turn back the clock. Come on up here and let me show you a little technological whiz-bang. A miraculous resculpting facial that can give you a fabulous face-lift in five minutes.”
    Maybe when it comes to beauty, even a skeptic wants to believe, because Alva hesitates for barely a moment before making her way up to the small platform in the front of the room. Kate smiles at her and turns on one of the machines she’d been describing during her lecture. Lights flash and the device emits a buzzing, sizzling sound.
    â€œYou’re welcome to sit down,” Kate tells her genially.
    Alva looks at the blinking contraption—and cautiously lowers herself into the chair next to it. Kate gets busy connecting some long wires with saucer-sized electrodes to Alva’s forehead, cheeks and double chin. The crowd is suddenly very still. Is this a facial or a scene from
The Executioner
?
    â€œI promise nothing really shocking’s going to happen,” Kate says, turning to the audience and giving a little wink. She smiles at her subject. “Are you ready to go ahead?”
    Alva nods solemnly, and Kate flips the switch. When the lights on the machine start flashing furiously, Alva stoically grips her hands on the armrests and leans back in her seat. If electricity were pulsating through my body, I’d at the very least be worrying about the Con Ed bill.
    Kate spends five minutes explaining to the audience how the electrical pulses cause muscle contractions that tighten the skin. The gentle flow of current reduces puffiness, increases circulation, and should give Alva an instant lift.
    â€œSo what do you think?” Kate asks the audience as she flips Alva’s face from side to side, checking out her work in progress. “Is it going to work? Ready to see the unveiling?”
    The audience lets out a few hoots of “Yes!” and “Let’s see!” I definitely want to see, because I’m still looking at Alva, whose eyes are closed. And whether she’s fallen asleep or dead, I can’t really tell.
    â€œOkay, then,” Kate says dramatically, her voice deepening. “The big moment.” With a flourish, she turns off the machine, removes the electrodes, and strokes her fingertips across Alva’s face, patting here and there as if molding a big lump of clay. Finally Kate nods approvingly and hands her patient a mirror.
    At first Alva says