Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Read Online Free PDF

something, though, and they were here for a reason: we had quickly fading Internet popularity and the good sense to exploit it.
    Love was in the air at Whiskey Town that night. The simple and ever-reliable formula of bourbon, slim-fit shirts, and smooth talk was all it took. Even my excessive armpit sweat didn’t deter them. The four of us were crushing drinks, snapping selfies, shooting suggestive glances. Our sobriety wasn’t helped by the arrival of our friend Anthony, who had a house account for shots. Soon Dave started in on a shtick that became way too familiar in the coming weeks. He drunkenly explained that we needed to go to our place to let his adorable bulldog out to poop. Hook, line, and sinker—Frank, you old son of a bitch! I realized this wasn’t Dave’s first rodeo using Frank as his wingman-in-waiting.
    We all agreed to finish our drinks and head toward Dave’s apartment. Cheers! To Frank! Exactly ten seconds later, a few bouncers came over and caught us singing “Closing Time” into the security walkie-talkie we had stolen earlier. Apparently they had been scouring the bar trying to figure out which dickheads had taken it. We weren’t even really hiding it, hadn’t moved from our booth the whole night, and we have very conspicuous singing voices, so the joke was really on them.
    On the way home, we walked by our buddy Jay’s apartment. He had a second-floor apartment that sat above a storefront with a fire escape hanging right over the street. One of our female companions happened to be a Division 1 cheerleader and all-around badass. Dave and I promptly convinced her to let us boost her up to the fire escape, so that she could break in and scare our friend Jay. We really wanted to see how Jay would react to a sultry five-foot blond cat burglar breaking into his place. Would he attack her? Would he run? Would he get a little boner? Time would tell. Dave and I warmed up thoroughly, in preparation of collectively lifting ninety-five pounds over our heads. Her friend prepared to film the whole thing for a Vine post later on. These girls were typical college. We had learned earlier that they were going through a phase where they thought it was hilarious to talk in Australian accents all the time. The novelty wore off quickly, but it did make her commentary on the resulting video pretty incredible. Anthony had followed us home in a classic fifth-wheel move, and he was unsuccessful in talking us out of boosting her up. She was wearing a short skirt and Dave was staring straight up it. But I wasn’t, just so you guys know. She used our boost to do a triple-cork front flip up onto the fire escape, piece of cake! After a quick bow to the crowd that had formed on the street around us, she walked over to the window to pop on in. It was locked. Shit. The jig was up!
    The small crowd let out a disappointed sigh and started to dissipate. The only thing left to do was for Alex to gracefully hang off the ledge and fall delicately into our capable, waiting arms. It would’ve been a lot less expensive if that had been the way things went down. Dave and I stood with arms linked in textbook base-cheerleader form, waiting to catch Alex. This girl is a collegiate athlete and gets thrown in the air and spins all over the place, too. This was not her first rodeo. She’s cheerleading at football games on fucking Saturday nights, not basketball games on Tuesdays.
    Anthony took a few steps back. Dave and I waited for our gal to do the hang down and drop, but instead she leapt like a deranged lunatic. She flew fifteen feet and completely overshot our waiting arms. Calamity ensued, and there were legs and pea coats everywhere, as Alex landed in the capable but unsuspecting arms of Anthony. Unfortunately, Anthony was not ready for the combination of Alex and fifteen feet of downward acceleration. Based on a slow-motion playback of the video, we can see that Anthony was absolutely