Lying Together Read Online Free PDF Page B

just don’t want to hear any more about it. End of story.’
    I was totally perplexed. It was all too easy. But I nodded, grateful. He’d dismissed me; the interview was over; I had actually done it.
    I turned to go. But even as I turned, he spoke again. ‘But tell me, Anne. Why have you of all people taken it upon yourself to be the bearer of bad news?’
    â€˜I told you. Evie asked me.’
    â€˜And do you do everything she asks?’
    â€˜Obviously not. But she’d got herself into such a state that I thought–’
    â€˜That you’d come in person and see how I took it.’
    â€˜No, that’s not it at all. I’m sorry about it. I really am, Radnor.’
    â€˜ Sorry ? I find that hard to believe. Coming from you, after what you did.’
    â€˜Please don’t rake that all up.’
    â€˜Why ever not? Why should I spare you? You have a nerve, I must say. Coming here and gloating.’
    â€˜ Gloating ? You think I’m gloating?’
    â€˜It seems awfully like it, Anne.’
    I sighed. ‘I knew you’d take it out on me.’
    â€˜Are you surprised?’
    â€˜Not really. It’s what I expected. You’ve always had to beat me into the ground.’
    â€˜You speak as if I’m some sort of sadist.’
    â€˜Yes,’ I said. ‘That’s how you appear.’
    â€˜Well, appearances can be deceptive, as you full well know. I thought – mistakenly as it seemed – that you loved me once.’
    â€˜I did.’ The words jumped out unbidden.
    â€˜So why did you see fit to break my heart?’
    â€˜I don’t know.’ I really didn’t know any more. His presence confused my thought processes. I was back swimming in a vast emotional sea, feeling the heavy tug of his body as he enclosed me in a drowning embrace. All I could say was: ‘It was just too much for me. You were too much for me. You never let me breathe.’
    He stared at me, unbelieving. ‘I see. But that doesn’t exactly explain why you killed our baby.’
    I could feel the tears collecting behind my eyebrows, my nose, my forehead, making everything ache. ‘You can’t imagine that I wanted to do it.’
    â€˜Then, for God’s sake, Anne, why did you?’
    â€˜I don’t know.’ I felt unable to account for it, even to myself. ‘I suppose a baby made everything too complicated. Closed down my options in life.’
    â€˜So you weighed the life of my child against your “options”? Did you never think you were being the slightest bit selfish?’
    He was glaring at me from the moral high ground, but I wasn’t going to be intimidated. ‘Of course I was being selfish – I was nineteen, for heaven’s sake; I wanted to have a life. And don’t imagine I haven’t blamed myself ever since – wondering what it would have been like to hold a child in my arms! Don’t imagine I don’t think of it every day now.’ I choked and stopped, ambushed by my tears. ‘But I knew you’d never let me go once I had your child.’
    â€˜And would that have been so bad? Us together for ever?’ His voice had softened and he looked at me in his old intense way.
    â€˜I don’t know, Radnor. I really don’t know. But it’s all in the past. I made my decision and you made yours.’ I felt exhausted; I wanted to go.
    But he got up. Came round the desk, eyes fixed on me. Stood over me. ‘Is it really all in the past?’ He grasped my arms, his fingertips finding the old places as if the bruises had never healed.
    â€˜Please don’t.’ I tried to break away.
    â€˜Oh? Would your husband not like it? I daresay you run rings around that poor sap of a plumber.’
    â€˜Don’t call him that.’
    Radnor smiled. ‘I’m so sorry. I beg his pardon. No doubt he has his good points. Although he hasn’t given you that