Lick Your Neighbor Read Online Free PDF Page B

Fuller said the boy had been acting strange as of late, but I never noticed seeing as I generally assume that everyone on this Ship is a madman.
    As William swam away into the miles of ocean betwixt the Ship and the land, he shouted back to us, “See you all on shore, dewberries!”
    Immediately after shouting that, William sank like a stone. Of course it was Margesson who called out to him, “Grab hold of some Cod, son! Stuff them down your pants! They will keep you afloat!” It is unclear whether or not William tried this. What is clear is that William never surfaced again, and that I had to restrain myself greatly from pushing Margesson overboard.
    As the Ship got closer to shore, we got a better look at our new home. It is the most knotty-pated and mangled Wilderness I ever set my eyes upon and I hate, hate, hate it. I just know it is full of wild Beasts. I bet those little bastards are sharpening their pointy horns as I write, just dying to pinch me in the rump. Well if that is the case, then those Devils have another thing coming. And it is called my fist in their furry faces.
    Not to mention the Savage men who are most certainly hiding in the bushes, waiting to pop out and dance around me in circles. With their hooting and spinning about. Now, it is widely known that I simply love to dance. Love it. But not right now. Not after all these months at Sea. Give me a few days to wash up and settle in, maybe eat some of this corn I keep hearing about, and I will be happy to dance around in circles with those beastly men until the sun comes up. I just hope they understand. I also hope that they don’t have wings and tails, which is what Samuel Fuller told me. Now that we’re close enough to land to see birds again, I must remember to keep a lookout for flying Savages. Wouldn’t want one of them swooping down on me and forcing me to dance with him at some ungodly hour.
    As it stands, we have a wild Maze in front of us and the Ocean Abyss behind. Even if I squint really, really hard, to the point where I look like a Chinaman, I cannot see brave England anymore. If that does not indicate that we are far from home I do not know what will.
    —John Alden

3
Meat on a Rope
    A S D ALE A LDEN LED OFFICERS A INSWORTH and Truax into his living room, Officer Gilly and Judy Stitch sat facing each other on top of Dale’s picnic table. They were both barefoot in the lotus position, with their eyes closed and palms up. The wind blew threw their hair.
    “Officer Gilly?”
    “Yes, Judy?”
    “Are you sure this helps?”
    “Positive.”
    “It’s just that I don’t feel a white light glowing inside me. I feel bored.”
    “You need to give it more time.”
    “But I’m getting antsy.”
    Gilly opened one eye to see Judy fidgeting and squirming around.
    “Just relax. And breathe. Are you breathing? Breathe like this.”
    Using his mouth, nose, and every open orifice on his body, Gilly sucked in enough air to inflate a small raft. He held it for a moment and then let it out like a tire with a slow leak.
    “Now you try.”
    Judy sucked in an equally huge amount of air, held it for a moment, slowly let it out, and then promptly passed out.
    “Feel better? Judy? Judy?”
    As Gilly shook an unconscious Judy, he noticed Stan Adams, a husky neighborhood kid, standing beneath the maple tree. He was hitting Gus’s body repeatedly with a large stick.
    “Hey kid! That’s not a damn piñata!”
    Stan stopped hitting the dead turkey to look over at Gilly, who was now unbuttoning Judy’s shirt and blowing all over her face. The cop clearly didn’t know what he was talking about, and was most likely a pervert.
    “Yes it is,” Stan said, between whacks.
    “No it isn’t!” Gilly shouted. “It’s Gus.”
    “Yeah, I know . It’s a Gus piñata. Duh.”
    “It’s the real Gus, kid. Oh come on at least stop hitting his face!”
    “If he’s real then how come he’s not moving? Answer me that, smart guy.”
    “Because he’s