Jaine Austen 7 - Killing Bridezilla Read Online Free PDF

my dinner and saw to my amazement that I’d somehow managed to polish off every bite of my Chimichanga Combo Plate. Can somebody please explain how I’d done all the talking and yet Kandi was the one whose dinner was practically untouched?
    Well, that was it, I vowed. Not another bite of food would pass my lips. I simply could not afford to gain a single ounce for the wedding.
    “Ah,” Kandi said, shaking her head solemnly,
    “what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.”
    “What??” I gasped.
    “I’m sorry, Jaine, but that’s what you get for lying.”
    “My God, Kandi. Look who’s talking. The woman who pretended to be an alcoholic so she could meet guys at AA.”
    “Oh, please. That’s entirely different.”
    “And just how is it different?”
    “Don’t you remember? I met that cute stockbroker. We dated for three months before he fell off the wagon and ran off with a barmaid. My story had a happy ending. For a while at least.”
    The woman’s logic defies explanation.
    “So what are you going to do about your date for the wedding?” she asked, pushing her refried beans to the side of her plate out of eating range.
    “I have absolutely no idea.”
    “You want me to fix you up with one of the insects on my show?”
    The insects to whom Kandi referred were the 30
    Laura Levine
    actors on Beanie & the Cockroach , the animated cartoon show where Kandi toils as a writer.
    “I think Manny the Mole might be available.
    He’s a really nice guy, if you don’t mind your neurosurgeon being 5’3” in his elevator shoes.”
    “Let’s save Manny for plan B.”
    “I know! How about an escort service?”
    “An escort service? Are you crazy??”
    “They’re listed in the Yellow Pages.”
    Well, dear reader, if you think I was about to degrade myself by paying for a date with a guy who was just one step up from a male hooker, all I can say is—you’re a very perceptive reader.
    “I’ll call first thing tomorrow,” I said, reaching for a forkful of Kandi’s refried beans.

    KILLING BRIDEZILLA
    31
    YOU’VE GOT MAIL
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Marvelous News!
    Jaine, honey, you’ll never guess who’s coming to stay with us. Roberto Scaffaro! I told you about Roberto, didn’t I, the darling young man I met in Rome the summer I graduated from high school?
    He was a waiter at the pensione where I was staying. Every day after work he showed me around the city to charming places I never would have discovered in the guidebooks.
    He didn’t speak a word of English and I didn’t speak any Italian but we used my Italian–English dictionary and had the time of our lives. I’ll never forget the night we ate al fresco on the Spanish Steps. Or is it al dente? I always get those two confused. All I know is that it was a picnic, and it was magnifico!
    And to think that was all more than forty years ago!
    Over the years we’ve exchanged Christmas cards, and then just the other day I got a letter from one of his children (Roberto’s English is still pretty terrible) telling me that Roberto’s wife died last year and that he’s coming to the states to visit his son who lives in Arizona. And he wants to stop off first to see me.
    I wrote back and told him come right over “presto.”
    That’s Italian for “quickly.” Or is it “prego”? Or is that a spaghetti sauce? Oh, dear. I guess my Italian’s still pretty terrible, too. Anyhow, I insisted he stay here at the condo, and I can’t wait to see him.

    32
    Laura Levine
    Of course, the place is a disgrace. I absolutely must change the curtains in the guest bedroom and get some new towels. I saw some fabulous Egyptian towels on the shopping channel, a whole set for just $29.95, plus shipping and handling. If I put in my order now, they’ll be here in time for Roberto’s visit.
    I can’t possibly have him using the ratty old guest towels we’ve had since you were in kindergarten.
    Must run, darling, and place my order