Interesting Times Read Online Free PDF Page B

make life complicated for him.
    Elderly male voices were arguing.
    “You’re all missin’ the point. He survives. You keep on tellin’ me he’s had all these adventures and he’s still alive.”
    “What do you mean? He’s got scars all over him!”
    “My point exactly, Dean. Most of ’em on his back, too. He leaves trouble behind. Someone Up There smiles on him.”
    Rincewind winced. He had always been aware that Someone Up There was doing something on him. He’d never considered it was smiling.
    “He’s not even a proper wizard! He never got more than two percent in his exams!”
    “I think he’s awake,” said someone.
    Rincewind gave in, and opened his eyes. A variety of bearded, overly pink faces looked down upon him.
    “How’re you feeling, old chap?” said one, extending a hand. “Name’s Ridcully. Archchancellor. How’re you feeling?”
    “It’s all going to go wrong,” said Rincewind flatly.
    “What d’you mean, old fellow?”
    “I just know it. It’s all going to go wrong. Something dreadful’s going to happen. I thought it was too good to last.”
    “You see?” said the Dean. “Hundreds of little legs. I told you. Would you listen?”
    Rincewind sat up. “Don’t start being nice to me,” he said. “Don’t start offering me grapes. No one ever wants me for something nice .” A confused memory of his very recent past floated across his mind and he experienced a brief moment of regret that potatoes, while uppermost in his mind at that point, had not been similarly positioned in the mind of the young lady. No one dressed like that, he was coming to realize, could be thinking of any kind of root vegetable.
    He sighed. “All right, what happens now?”
    “How do you feel?”
    Rincewind shook his head. “It’s no good,” he said. “I hate it when people are nice to me. It means something bad is going to happen. Do you mind shouting?”
    Ridcully had had enough. “Get out of that bed you horrible little man and follow me this minute or it will go very hard for you!”
    “Ah, that’s better. I feel right at home now. Now we’re cooking with charcoal,” said Rincewind, glumly. He swung his legs off the bed and stood up carefully.
    Ridcully stopped halfway to the door, where the other wizards had lined up.
    “Runes?”
    “Yes, Archchancellor?” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, his voice oozing innocence.
    “What is that you’ve got behind your back?”
    “Sorry, Archchancellor?” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    “Looks like some kind of tool,” said Ridcully.
    “Oh, this ,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, as if he’d only just at that moment noticed the eight-pound lump hammer he’d been holding. “My word…it’s a hammer , isn’t it? My word. A hammer. I suppose I must just have…picked it up somewhere. You know. To keep the place tidy.”
    “And I can’t help noticing,” said Ridcully, “that the Dean seems to be tryin’ to conceal a battle-axe about his person.”
    There was a musical twang from the rear of the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    “And that sounded like a saw to me,” said Ridcully. “Is there anyone here not concealin’ some kind of implement? Right. Would anyone care to explain what the hell you think you’re doin’?”
    “Hah, you don’t know what it was like,” muttered the Dean, not meeting the Archchancellor’s eye. “A man daren’t turn his back for five minutes in those days. You’d hear the patter of those damn feet and—”
    Ridcully ignored him. He put an arm around Rincewind’s bony shoulders and led the way towards the Great Hall.
    “Well, now, Rincewind,” he said. “They tell me you’re no good at magic.”
    “That’s right.”
    “Never passed any exams or anything?”
    “None, I’m afraid.”
    “But everyone calls you Rincewind the wizard.”
    Rincewind looked at his feet. “Well, I kind of worked here as sort of deputy Librarian—”
    “—an ape’s number two—” said the