In the Unlikely Event... Read Online Free PDF

under the sink—it has absolutely nothing to do with urine entrapment,” Chase blurted.
    Gloria smiled as Lacey scowled at her. “Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?” Lacey said.
    “And when would I have inserted the proverbial word-in-edgewise with you going on about lesbian civil liberties?” Gloria inquired.
    “Hmmph, I just think you could stand to be more specific in your reports,” Lacey said.
    Feeling the need to defend Gloria, Chase said, “With your current level of the understanding of building mechanics and maintenance issues, it should be no problem.”
    Lacey ignored her. She organized her notes, straightened her shoulders and began. “There is a serious rift here at the Institute that must be addressed. The Left Ovaries have, in effect, declared war on the Menopausals. We cannot have this kind of division in our beloved community. We live in a new and tender country and this is the first incident of this nature.”
    “Does she really believe in this Lesbekistan thing?” Gloria whispered to Chase.
    Chase nodded. Gloria raised her eyebrows in that this-is-absurd-you-realize-that look.
    Chase wanted to be part of the eyebrow raising club like Gloria, Gitana and Bud, but her one gesture of note was the ability to smirk. Whenever she raised her eyebrows she resembled a silent screen actress feigning fright. She looked ridiculous, which was why she didn’t do it publically.
    “The Left Ovaries?” Chase said. This was the first time she’d heard of them. She knew about the Menopausals because of the three bearded ladies. The first time she met them she had her sunglasses on—for which she was grateful as she was certain her eyes had been popping out. As it was, she choked on a Mento. One of the bearded ladies was on the verge of performing the Heimlich maneuver after a moment of beard stroking on the part of all three ladies as to the best course of action. Luckily, Chase had regained control of her breathing and some of her decorum. She thanked them and introduced herself. In turn, she learned they were Jessica, Emily and Edith. Edith was in charge of the Menopausals.
    Lacey shook her head at Chase like she should know. “The Left Ovaries are suffering from loss-of-organs syndrome or L.O.S.”
    “What an original title,” Chase muttered.
    “And some even have ghost pain.” She glared at Chase.
    “Oh.” Chase said. She was not unsympathetic to abdominal pain as she had a sensitive stomach.
    “The Left Ovaries no longer feel women-indentified because they have lost the ability to bear children,” Lacey read from the document.
    “So now they feel like men?” Donna asked, evidently confused.
    “No. They just don’t feel like women,” Lacey said, and she continued to read. “The Menopausals are offended because they do not believe femininity is tied to menses. Just because the Left Ovaries are missing equipment and don’t bleed doesn’t mean they’re less of a woman according to the Menopausals. But the Left Ovaries feel that the Menopausals are ignoring their loss.”
    “What the fuck is she talking about?” Chase said.
    Gloria furrowed her brow, “Well…”
    Chase loved the way Gloria spoke, how “well” came out as three syllables.
    “I think, from what I can gather, it’s about Kotex. I swear to Goddess, I keep that machine routinely stocked to the hilt. I got one gal who spends half a day filling those machines up. With two hundred women having periods, it’s a monster task,” Gloria said.
    This made Chase think of two hundred women having PMS. “Do you realize how dangerous this place is?” she said.
    Gloria stared at her, apparently grasping her import. “Are you suggesting…”
    Chase nodded. “Perhaps we should put the Pink Mafia on this.” Chase refrained from saying, “in other words, doing something constructive.” “We might need extra security and perhaps a PowerPoint presentation on the cycling chart of the Institute’s bleeding