In The Barn Read Online Free PDF

Eli’s hand touched mine when I asked him to pass me the milk pitcher during dinner and I thought the heat that rushed through my torso would make me faint. He gave me a funny look, but I just kept my eyes down and finished eating.
    Still, I didn’t stop watching. I couldn’t. I felt compelled, even though I knew it was a sin, I knew the devil was in me, and I had to rub him out. I tried. I did. I stood on the ladder, watching my brother pump himself like he was a well, waiting for that blessed moment when the liquid finally surfaced , and I lifted my long skirts to touch myself too.
    I didn’t have what he had. Girls and boy had different parts, I knew that much from changing diapers for Ma when the babies needed it, but I never knew how complimentary the parts were, how different and yet how similar. I pressed myself there over my undergarments while I watched him, worrying myself between the legs again and again. I knew if someone came into the barn—if Da had come in…my blood curdled just thinking about it.
    But he never did. And one day, when Eli was thrusting up into his hand and I was at my usual spot on the ladder, watching, I felt that little tickle between my legs build to a sneeze. Something had to give. My fingers moved, back and forth, around and around, my whole body tingling with sensation, and then…it happened.
    The world exploded.
    I cried out—I couldn’t help it—my whole body trembling with the force of the devil inside of me, and I wondered briefly if I had finally driven him out. My legs wouldn’t hold me. They turned to jelly and I fell, catching myself halfway down only to lose my grip again and land, hard, on the dirt floor below.
    “Sarah!” Eli was calling. I was okay, but dazed, breathless, still stunned by what had happened, and I didn’t answer him. He took the ladder two rungs at a time, sweeping me up over his shoulder and carrying me back up like I was a sack of potatoes.
    When he had me on the hay, touching my face, calling my name, I finally opened my eyes. He was concerned, but embarrassed too, and I knew he was wondering how much I’d seen. Oh, Eli, I’ve seen so very much, I thought, catching his hand and bringing it up to my heart.
    “I know it’s a sin,” I whispered, lifting his fingers to my mouth and kissing them. “But I can’t help it.”
    “Help…what?” His dark, puzzled eyes met mine, and I searched his earnest face with my heated gaze.
    “I saw you.” I admitted it, feeling the heat move into my cheeks. He flushed, too. “Eli, it was so wonderful!”
    “Sarah, I’m sorry.” His eyes dropped to the hay. “It is a sin. I shouldn’t. I need to stop. I know you’ll have to tell Ma…or Da.”
    “No.” I swallowed hard at the thought and cradled his hand against my cheek. “I don’t want to tell.”
    “But…”
    “Something that feels so good can’t be a sin,” I insisted, half sitting now, back on my elbows. “It can’t possibly. I just…I understand now. Why you keep doing it, how the whole world opens up for a moment and you feel like you’re dying, or flying. I felt like I could touch God himself.”
    He was staring at me, wide-eyed. “How long were you watching?”
    “I’ve watched lots of times.” I lifted my chin, defiant, in spite of my flushed cheeks. “I touch myself too.”
    Eli gaped. “Where?”
    I hesitated before slowly placing a hand between my legs, over my long skirts. “Here.”
    Puzzled, he frowned. “But you don’t have…”
    “I know.” I shrugged. “But it feels good, all the same.”
    His eyes brightened, still focused between my legs. My hand still rested there. “Will you… show me?”
    Stunned, I stared at him for a moment, unable to breathe. The sort of sin I’d committed so far was nothing compared to what he was asking. Only babies were allowed to be naked in front of others. I looked into his eyes, saw the eagerness, the h unger there, the longing I felt too, and slowly I started to lift my