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turning point in my minor life? Shouts. Accusations. Denials. Nothing new, except that day, he walked out the door 105
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    and never came home, except to pack his things, escorted by a policeman to keep him safe from Ma.
    He called a few times, asked about school, friends.
    He sent a birthday present once--a baseball glove and a hardball or two. Like I ever had anyone to play catch with. Like I'd ever make a team.
    But once Dad decided enough was enough, I wasn't enough to make him face the ugly truth of Ma. And Tony Jr.
    would always remind him of her. Severed ties.
    Severed me. 106
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    Saturday, Visiting Day
    Grandma's here, somewhere, and I'm on my way to see her. Half of me feels like I'm walking a high wire. The other half feels like I'm fighting my way through quicksand.
    I've missed her so much, but I don't want to disappoint her. I mean, I'm not exactly sane and sober. Definitely not ready to go back home, back to school, back to me. Right now my brain feels like a soggy sponge.
    At the end of the hall,
    Dr. Starr shadows a doorway. In here,
    Vanessa. Your grandmother ' s
    waiting to see you. 107
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    Without meaning to, I slow my pace, try to picture Grandma's
    face. Will it look exactly the way it used to--smooth and pink, despite all the care it's wrapped around?
    Or will she wear a brand-new set of worry
    lines and creases, and will she look even older than she is, because of me?
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    She's Waiting Just Inside
    The door. Definitely a new wrinkle or two, but she's beautiful anyway.
    She hugs me into her. How have you been? We ' ve missed you. Bryan, especially.
    I gulp down guilt. "I've missed you, too. And Bryan. How is he? What's he been up to?"
    She shrugs. School. A science fair project. Mostly, he c got his nose in his books.
    Dr. Starr allows several minutes of small
    talk, finally reels us in, asks us to sit opposite each other across a narrow table. 109
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    Vanessa has done very
    well, at least on the surface.
    But sooner or later we ' ll hove to scratch that surface, crack her she'll, and look inside.
    Grandma's smile falls away. Will you want me here for that?
    Dr. Starr nods. Eventually. For some of it, anyway.
    Anxiety deepens Grandma's creases. Somehow, she feels responsible.
    "Don't worry, Grandma. You're not to blame. 'Crazy' runs on the other side of the family." 110
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    Grandma's Face Drains
    You ' re not crazy, Vanessa. You ' ve had some rough years, is all. We ' ll get you through this and everything will be just fine.
    I want to ask her if bleach got the tub white, if Bryan still has nightmares, bubbling red with blood. I want to ask if she has visited Mama, where no one wants to go. Instead I say, "You're right, Grandma. We'll come through fine." Then I ask, "Have you heard from Daddy?" 111
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    Just got a letter from Afghanistan.
    He couldn ' t tell me
    much, of course.
    Rangers keep tight
    lips. He c safe but won ' t he home any
    time soon. He sends
    you and Bryan his love.
    He always loved us better from a distance, especially Mama, something she found hard to swallow. So she found something easier to swallow. Which reminds me. "Does Daddy know about Mama?" 112
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    Trading Secrets
    Sounds intriguing, and I see Dr. Boston again today. Saturday--no rest for the wicked, which must include me.
    I've been thinking about her deal. Can the good doctor
    have a secret worth knowing-- a true glimpse of the real Dr. B?
    I do want to gain her trust. But first I have to think about my own secrets, pretty damn bad to worst.
    There is the major one, really major, in fact, about Emily, and exactly what kind of person she happens to be.
    There are a couple about Cara, my evil twin, things I have done to keep her out from under my skin. 113
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    There is the awful one, the surrogate mother of all
    secrets, you might say. No, I'll
    tell any other secret but that.
    It's psychological tug-of-war. Finally I decide the best way out is to tell her more about my mad adoration for a woman twice my age. I