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require that, instead of “hello,” the first word out of your mouth be “boyfriend.” That would solve so many problems. Me: “Come here often?” You: “Boyfriend.” Me: “Let’s pretend this never happened.” The reason it needs to be the very first word she says is that, for some reason, whenever I’ve spent more than two minutes talking to a girl and then all of a sudden she mentions her significant other, my initial reaction is to start making fun of her boyfriend’s name, like somehow that will break them up on the spot. “Ben?You’re dating a guy named Ben ? What kind of name is Ben? Sounds like a really cool guy. Ben? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”
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    TERMINOLOGY
     
    Throughout this book, I will use the term “game” to refer generally to the art of hitting on a member of the opposite sex. In many parts of the country, kicking game to a chick is also called “macking.” However, upon moving to Los Angeles I learned that here the verb “to mack” actually means to physically hook up with someone, not merely flirt with them. So for a while, my boys in LA were under the impression that I was getting laid all the time, until they realized I was misusing the term. To avoid further confusion, I will refrain from using “mack” in any context, and hopefully stop my friends from making fun of me.
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    As I prepare for my approach, I pay careful attention to a woman’s hands. Because there I may find one of two red flags that will cause me to abort the mission: an engagement ring or a cigarette. Looking for a ring is a habit that only first became necessary in the latter half of my twenties. Perhaps it’s unconscious denial on my part, but most of the time I still forget to do it. And every time I kick myself, because married chicks won’t stop you for a while when you hit on them. I think it makes them feel like part of the action. Like they’re watching a game show and playing along for fun.
    Spying a girl fingering a cigarette runs a close second to spotting a wedding ring in terms of turning me off completely. Smokers are just making it that much harder for themselves, as a chick with a cigarette has to be twice as hot for me to even consider approaching her. I’ve even been told that I get an involuntary scowl on my face when people smoke nearby. My friend Holly once said, “Karo, I feel worse lighting up in front of you than I would in front of my mom.” Apparently I’m giving off the right vibe.
    THE NUMBERS GAME
     
    I’m a confident guy but still get nervous around really attractive women, especially when I’m sober. Recently I was in this lounge that I frequent a few blocks from my apartment when a ridiculous chick touched me on the arm and asked if I knew the name of the bar. I stared at her slack-jawed before finally muttering, “I have no idea.” Very slick. My buddy Jeff has a term for these girls who are way out of anyone’s league. He calls them “uncomfortably hot.” This is the rare girl who is so gorgeous, you actually feel awkward around her.
    The issue that has plagued men for millennia is how to properly gauge a woman’s attractiveness and, more importantly, convey that measurement to his drinking buddies in an efficient manner. Merely describing a girl as “hot” is insufficient. I mean, there’s a big difference between the hottest girl who went to my high school and the hottest girl from the last season of Entourage. Thus, rating systems were born: mechanisms passed down for generations that enable guys to assign a universally understood numerical value to a girl they see in a bar. The entire exercise is, of course, superficial and borderline offensive. Which is why I’d like to break down the four major schools of thought.
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    RATING SYSTEMS
     
SYSTEM   
SCALE   
BENEFITS   
DRAWBACKS
One-to-Ten (a.k.a. “The Classic”)  
Ten is hot, one is not; the higher the better.  
Most popular.  
Open to large degrees of