Hunting Season Read Online Free PDF Page B

I cower on my knees, first from terror and now dumb confusion.
    The doctors remove their faces.  They pry the smooth skin underneath, tearing it away to reveal two young, white men looking down at me.  They have eyes, noses, lips and big smiles.
    For some reason I feel like I'm in the ending of a horrible Scooby-Doo cartoon.
    The receptionist removes her flesh mask, revealing her blue eyes and rosy cheeks and supple lips.  I hate that I'm attracted to her.
    "That was awesome," the doctor on the left says.
    "Best one yet," says the other.
    My hands shake.  My thighs feel warm and I realize I pissed my pants.
    "You okay, buddy?" the doctor on the left says.
    "What?" I say, my throat sore from screaming.
    The other doctor slaps my shoulder.  "Everything's fine.  It was all a joke."
    Joke, I think.  Joke.
    The hot receptionist giggles some more.
    "Just a joke," the doctor on the left says.  "That the whole world gets to see."
    "What?"  My throat burns. 
    The other doctor points at the corners of the waiting room.  I follow his gestures and see cameras mounted on the walls.  All of them focus on me like the eyes of witnesses at an execution.
    A practical joke.  For the whole world to see.
    "Internet, buddy," the doctor on the left says.  "Streaming LIVE."
    The blood drains from my face and I stare at a camera and wish the faceless doctors had been real.
    The other doctor laughs again and says, "You're gonna be fuckin' famous."
     
    *  *  *  *  *
     
    "It's you," the casting director says.
    I look from her to the script, thinking she said a line.  She hadn't.  I look back to her.
    "Me?"
    "You."
    Before she says anything else, I know what's coming.  It's been coming every day for three weeks.
    "The guy from YouTube.  The Scared Shitless Guy."
    Scared Shitless Guy.  Yep, that's me now.
    "I thought I recognized you in line," she says.  "You were fucking hilarious."
    I look at my hands in my lap.  "Thanks."
    "Was that a real joke or was it all set up?"
    "Real."
    "Man, they got you good."
    "Yes.  Yes, they did."
    The casting director chuckles.  "Did you really piss yourself?"
    Ball my hands around the script.  "Are you going to let me read for the part, or what?"
    "What? Oh, no.  We've already cast the part.  I just wanted to see if it was really you."
    I drop the script and stand and head for the door.  As I walk through it she says, "Well, did you piss yourself or what?"
     
    *  *  *  *  *
     
    My acting career dies before it ever lives.  People tell me to give it time, let the popularity of the YouTube video pass over, wait for the next celebrity scandal to draw away the devastating attention.
    Sure, sounds reasonable but every time I leave the apartment, people recognize me and yell, "Scared Shitless Guy!"
    My neighbors snicker and point.  The bum who sleeps outside the complex winks and giggles.  I think my landlord is planning a business where he provides tours of Scared Shitless Guy's apartment.
    I'm sick of people recognizing me and asking if I pissed myself.  A few inquire whether I shit myself, too.
    Can't watch TV without seeing my famous video.  Jimmy Kimmel did a spoof of it the other night.  When Letterman does a joke which falls flat, he plays a clip of me screaming.  The local radio morning shows have lots of fun at my expense.  I'm a ratings godsend, apparently.
    Instead of going to casting calls anymore, I drink.  Everyday at the same time, sometimes in my apartment and others at bars.  But never the same bar.  Can't risk anyone recognizing me.  Always wear a hat and sunglass, too, just in case.
    At the bar, a line of empty shot glasses sit in front of me.  I ponder what to do with my life and for a moment entertain the idea of moving to Alaska and becoming the next Ted Kazinsky.  Letter bombs for all my friends.
    On the TV above the bar I see the two guys who pretended to be faceless doctors.  I've refused to learn their names.  Right now they're on Extra being