How Evan Broke His Head and Other Secrets Read Online Free PDF Page B

wasn’t supposed to want to worry about another life. So he paid Tracy to kill the baby.
    I had him. Dean.
    What a great name. That’s the name I would have picked, Evan thought to himself. And suddenly everything made sense. He and Tracy had steered clear of each other at school after he gave her the money, and he only saw her once after she graduated in June. It was then that she told him she didn’t want to see him any more. It made her too sad, she said. And, besides, she had to start thinking about college. So he left her alone. She lived a mile away from him and had his son right under his nose.
    His son. What should he do? Didn’t he have some kind of an obligation? And even if he didn’t have a legal obligation, didn’t he have a moral one? Wasn’t there some code of honor that he had to abide by? Didn’t he have to pick up his son and say, I am your father and I will not allow anyone in this world or any other world to hurt you ? I am your father and I will lay down my life so that you can live? Didn’t he have an obligation to pick up his son and say I AM YOUR FATHER?
    So that afternoon he went to Swedish Hospital. He strode into the maternity ward and demanded to see his son.
    “Baby Smith, ” the nurse said, scanning a list.
    “Dean Smith.”
    “We call them all ‘Baby, ’ in case the parents change their minds.”
    “Well, I’m his father, and I won’t change my mind.”
    The woman raised her eyebrows and continued scanning.
    “Your wife is in her room. Dean is in the nursery. I’m sorry for the formality, but if you want to see Dean, you’ll have to show me some I. D. You’re not wearing a bracelet.”
    Evan pulled his driver’s license out of his wallet and handed it to the woman. She studied it for a moment.
    “Your name isn’t Smith.”
    “No.”
    “No.”
    “Do you have a marriage license or a health insurance card?”
    “No.”
    “I’m afraid I can’t let you hold the baby, then. Only immediate family.”
    “I’m his father.”
    “You’ll have to offer proof of that.”
    Evan smiled. It was all he could do, considering that he wanted to throttle this officious little nurse with her white hat and white uniform, white stockings and white crepe-soled shoes.
    “Can I at least look at him?”
    The nurse nodded.
    “You can see him through the nursery window, but you can’t hold him.”
    But I need to tell him. I need him to know. I am your father. I am. Your father. Me.
    “Where is it?”
    She pointed down the hall and Evan wandered off in a daze.
    “Young man?” the nurse called out.
    Evan turned.
    “Your girlfriend is in room 236. If she asks to have the baby brought in, you could hold him there. I’m sorry.”
    Evan nodded. He didn’t really care about her rules. He had to tell Dean something.
    He found the nursery window, behind which were half a dozen bassinets, two with pink cards and four with blue. Blue for boy. One blue card read: SMITH, B.B. Inside that bassinet was a tiny baby who’d already managed to undo his swaddle, and who flailed with purple fingers, closed eyes, and cupped mouth in search of food.
    Evan pressed his face against the window.
    I am your father. I am your father and I will protect you.
    Evan watched little Dean with a complex mix of emotions coursing through his body. Guilt, shame, love. Helplessness. Evan felt as helpless as this child who couldn’t yet see or feed himself or survive without the intervention of others. That was Evan. He survived, but not without the help of others, and if he assumed responsibility for a baby, he would need those who helped him to help the baby as well, which would then make him nothing more than a middle man. Completely dispensable.
    Evan left Dean alone in the nursery and went to find room 236. He would talk to Tracy about it. She had called him, maybe she had a grand plan. She usually thought things out pretty well. She was sharp. Together. She wouldn’t be taken unawares by something like this.
    He