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the army, he fought; and he fought well.
    TELEMACHUS
    I don’t like the way you say that.
    PENELOPE
    It may be that your knowledge is just a little one-sided. It seems that Clia and I haven’t given you a very balanced picture of your father. It’s about time you admired him for the way he could plough a field as well as for the way he could capture a city with a wooden horse.
    TELEMACHUS
(Disgusted)
    Plough a field!
    PENELOPE
(Sharply)
    And build a house. Who built this house? Your father, working with his men. Who cleared the forests and made fields out of wilderness? Who sowed the crops and planted the vines?
    TELEMACHUS
    And fought the brigands, and hunted. He killed a wild boar with this knife, all by himself, when he was my age. And he got wounded, too—the boar’s tusk slit his leg—
(He scores his own leg, from below to above his knee.)
    just there, and left a scar to this day.
    PENELOPE
    Darling, might I remind you I’ve been listening to Clia’s stories about Ulysses longer than you have? And considering you were three months old when you last saw your father, it’s possible that some incidents may have escaped you.
    TELEMACHUS
    Oh, now, Mother! You don’t have to go all stiff-starched... I’m sorry... Look, I’ll even listen to what you were going to tell me about the draft board.
    PENELOPE
    I don’t think I shall tell you.
    TELEMACHUS
    I said I was sorry.
    PENELOPE
    Perhaps you aren’t old enough to understand. When you are a man, you can be told. But now, you only want to hear the things you wish to believe.
    TELEMACHUS
    But I want to hear this story. Please...
    PENELOPE
    Well, if you must hear it... We’ll begin with Helen, who started all our troubles anyway. She left her husband and ran away with Paris—
    TELEMACHUS
(Impatiently)
    —to Troy. I know all the dates and everything about that. Tell me about Father!
    PENELOPE
    He said that if Helen preferred Paris to her husband, then it was none of our business.
    TELEMACHUS
    But—
    PENELOPE
    Yes, I know. People went around saying it was “a Trojan insult to Greek womanhood”; although, personally, I never felt in the least insulted. I don’t think any other woman did, either.
    TELEMACHUS
    But, we had to go and get Helen back.
    PENELOPE
    Very flattering for Helen, wasn’t it?
    TELEMACHUS
    Now, Mother, that isn’t—
    PENELOPE
    Yes, I’m bitter. And why not?
    TELEMACHUS
    I don’t like you that way; Father wouldn’t, either.
    PENELOPE
(Chastened, half-smiling)
    You know what? You’re very good for me... But I still think it was the stupidest reason for a war that ever was. Why, Helen didn’t even want to come back to her husband. All right, all right, Telemachus. Don’t look at me as if I were a green-eyed cat with long claws. I’m just putting you in the picture, or else you’ll never understand about the draft board.
    TELEMACHUS
(Tries to look wise, nods understandingly, and then — as he suddenly notices the uneaten cakes and honey — becomes his age again)
    Oh! Cakes and honey! Don’t you want them? Are you sure?
( PENELOPE shakes her head, smiling, as TELEMACHUS reaches for the cakes.)
    All right—Father was drafted. Then what?
    PENELOPE
    He got an exemption because he happened to marry me.
( TELEMACHUS stops eating for a moment and looks at her.)
    Then the draft was extended. To include all married men who had no children. But you were born. So, we got another exemption.
( TELEMACHUS , who has started to eat again, pauses.)
    Then, a little later, all men had to go into the army.
    TELEMACHUS
    And Father went off to the war.
    PENELOPE
    No... You see, he hadn’t been feeling too well. So he applied for another exemption. As a P.N., this time.
    TELEMACHUS
    P.N.?
    PENELOPE
    Psychoneurotic, darling... You know...
(She taps her forehead lightly.)
    TELEMACHUS
    Father?
    PENELOPE
    Don’t worry—and finish the cake; it’s the last we’ll see for some time—your father wasn’t crazy, not one bit. He was the sanest man I ever