vomit. Don’t say “Gross,” don’t judge. We animals don’t waste anything. If one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, well, one cow’s vomit is another pig’s dinner. And I looked at him and smiled because I loved my mom again and I was free and he looked at me and smiled and said, “Deeeee-licious!”
16
FREEISH BIRD
( see Skynyrd, Lynyrd)
So I was free. Ish. Yes, I was still stuck on the farm, but I was free inside, in my mind, which is the true place of freedom. I got into the habit of opening the gate at night, and with my mind-freedom came a new way of looking at things, and I looked at the latch, and it was simple to open with my tongue. Things that used to mystify me were so simple now.
And I would just open the latch at night after everyone was asleep and go wandering, usually up in the hills. Away from the bulls. I didn’t care about boys.
As I’d wander, my mind would kind of turn off and I’d go into this meditative state where I could talk to my mother. And we would have the most amazing conversations. Some were replays of old talks we’d actually had when she was with me, and some were new ones that would just come to me. Before you knew it, I would hear those stupid roosters start to crow and it would be morning. I was free, yes, but I was still sad somewhere deep inside.
One night, as I wandered through the hills, chatting in my mind with my mom over some insignificant thing like how many times you chew cud before you swallow it, she said to me, “Maybe you should go back down to the house.” I said, “I’m never going down there again, I hate people.” And she said, “Don’t hate. Hate is like a poison you make for your enemy that you end up swallowing yourself.” And I said, “Nice one, Obovine-Wan Kenobi.” And she said, “Why don’t you walk down there, maybe you didn’t get the whole story, maybe there’s more to learn from the Box God.” I said, “As if.” And she answered, “Elsie, do you know how proud of you I am? Do you know? Do you know I love you to the n th degree? Do you know how beautiful you are and smart and how I think about you every day and love you and no matter how long my life was, it was a good life because I had you?”
And I started to cry, again. Okay, I’m the town cryer. Guilty. I’ve never understood how love can hurt so much, but I guess it’s a different hurt from anything else. Not like a cracked hoof, more like a bear hug of the heart. But then I found myself all the way down the hill, by the side of the house.
18
INDIA
Over and over in my mind, I turn the word over and over: India . India. Like a jewel you might turn in your pocket. India India. I grew distant with this knowledge, distant from the other animals. I became fixated on the house and more secrets I might learn inside it. I learned what signs to look for when the family was going to be away for a while—the suitcases stacked in the car, etc.—and then I would go down to the house and continue my research. I found out so many things. I found children’s books where animals were beloved and even heroes. Even cows. Cows were heroic to the children in these books. A cow even jumped over the moon in one. Admittedly, it got unbelievable by the end and totally lost me when the dish ran away with the spoon (I mean, come on), but still, that was one bad cow.
I was confused at how people could mistreat and eat us on the one hand and then celebrate us on the other for qualities they admired. It was then I realized that humans were very complicated and confused and I could spend the rest of my life puzzling them out. I decided I didn’t have time to do that. I would spend the few years I had left on this planet trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out the mind of the cow, and if there was any time left over, then maybe, maybe, I’d think about humans again.
I found other books with maps and charts that showed every part of the world, showed me where
16
FREEISH BIRD
( see Skynyrd, Lynyrd)
So I was free. Ish. Yes, I was still stuck on the farm, but I was free inside, in my mind, which is the true place of freedom. I got into the habit of opening the gate at night, and with my mind-freedom came a new way of looking at things, and I looked at the latch, and it was simple to open with my tongue. Things that used to mystify me were so simple now.
And I would just open the latch at night after everyone was asleep and go wandering, usually up in the hills. Away from the bulls. I didn’t care about boys.
As I’d wander, my mind would kind of turn off and I’d go into this meditative state where I could talk to my mother. And we would have the most amazing conversations. Some were replays of old talks we’d actually had when she was with me, and some were new ones that would just come to me. Before you knew it, I would hear those stupid roosters start to crow and it would be morning. I was free, yes, but I was still sad somewhere deep inside.
One night, as I wandered through the hills, chatting in my mind with my mom over some insignificant thing like how many times you chew cud before you swallow it, she said to me, “Maybe you should go back down to the house.” I said, “I’m never going down there again, I hate people.” And she said, “Don’t hate. Hate is like a poison you make for your enemy that you end up swallowing yourself.” And I said, “Nice one, Obovine-Wan Kenobi.” And she said, “Why don’t you walk down there, maybe you didn’t get the whole story, maybe there’s more to learn from the Box God.” I said, “As if.” And she answered, “Elsie, do you know how proud of you I am? Do you know? Do you know I love you to the n th degree? Do you know how beautiful you are and smart and how I think about you every day and love you and no matter how long my life was, it was a good life because I had you?”
And I started to cry, again. Okay, I’m the town cryer. Guilty. I’ve never understood how love can hurt so much, but I guess it’s a different hurt from anything else. Not like a cracked hoof, more like a bear hug of the heart. But then I found myself all the way down the hill, by the side of the house.
18
INDIA
Over and over in my mind, I turn the word over and over: India . India. Like a jewel you might turn in your pocket. India India. I grew distant with this knowledge, distant from the other animals. I became fixated on the house and more secrets I might learn inside it. I learned what signs to look for when the family was going to be away for a while—the suitcases stacked in the car, etc.—and then I would go down to the house and continue my research. I found out so many things. I found children’s books where animals were beloved and even heroes. Even cows. Cows were heroic to the children in these books. A cow even jumped over the moon in one. Admittedly, it got unbelievable by the end and totally lost me when the dish ran away with the spoon (I mean, come on), but still, that was one bad cow.
I was confused at how people could mistreat and eat us on the one hand and then celebrate us on the other for qualities they admired. It was then I realized that humans were very complicated and confused and I could spend the rest of my life puzzling them out. I decided I didn’t have time to do that. I would spend the few years I had left on this planet trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out the mind of the cow, and if there was any time left over, then maybe, maybe, I’d think about humans again.
I found other books with maps and charts that showed every part of the world, showed me where
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