He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships Read Online Free PDF Page B

accident. But the choices you have made were made for a reason. Maybe not a very good reason, but a reason.
    What does this mean? Well, for one thing it means that if you become uncomfortable when things get close, it’s not simply because you need a larger apartment. If you’ve fallen in love with too many inappropriate people, it’s not only because you have a big heart. If you’ve never been able to sustain a relationship for more than a year, it’s not because of fluctuating biorhythms or transiting planets. If all of your partners had serious commitment problems of their own, it’s not just an unfortunate coincidence. If you always choose people who are emotionally unavailable, it’s not because socialization cuts us off from our feelings. If the love of your life is married to someone else, it’s not just your bad luck. If everyone you meet is geographically unavailable, it’s not an inevitable consequence of the jet age. If many of the people you get involved with have problems with addictions, it’s not only because of the breakdown of the family system. If you can’t find anyone who is “marriage material,” it’s not because there is a shortage of people who are. If everyone you cared about had a tragic flaw, it’s not because everyone is tragically flawed.
    The reasons why so many of your relationships have failed aren’t out there somewhere in the ether; they are right here—within you. And chances are, unresolved commitment conflicts have a great deal to do with it.
    MAKING SENSE OUT OF YOUR PAST
    Your romantic history provides the evidence you need to determine whether you or your partner have commitment conflicts. Often we fictionalize our past experiences; we turn our reality into fantasy. We polish it up or paint it all black. We forget the bad, forget the good, or forget the whole thing. But true insight only comes from evaluating the true experience.
    When we look at what has gone on in our relationships, we all have a tendency to focus on what was wrong with the other person. But by focusing exclusively on the failings of your partners, youescape looking at the more significant issue: Why were you with them? Just because they all had problems doesn’t mean that you don’t. We’re not trying to condone hurtful behavior. But you need to start considering what keeps you from being in a more fulfilling relationship. And that means starting to think a little bit more about your own stuff. In other words, if difficult relationships seem to be part of your life, it’s time to examine your own contributions to these difficulties.
    DO YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED COMMITMENT CONFLICTS?
    Here is a fact: To one degree or another the vast majority of us protect our freedom and are nervous about long-term commitment. The question to ask yourself is how great are your commitment conflicts? Are they merely affecting your relationships or are they destroying your relationships? Are your conflicts affecting your life, or are they controlling your life? Do you approach the possibility of commitment with a healthy sense of caution, or are you downright phobic? The first step in joining those who are able to form interpersonal unions that work is understanding how commitment conflicts reveal themselves.
    Your romantic history is the single most telling factor in determining whether you have unresolved commitment conflicts. If you are conflicted, the following characteristics typically apply to your relationships:
    1. You have a history of relationships in which one partner wants more while the other wants less .
    Anyone with commitment conflicts will almost certainly experience the kind of relationship that is played out along the more-less theme. That “more” can be reflected by a partner wanting more time, more emotional closeness, or more actual commitment. Take a moment to review your romantic history.
    Within your relationships are you usually the partner who wants less? If so:
     
Your partners have