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from me then maybe there would less chance of me losing
him, because even though we have only just met, fear of losing the only person
who has talked to me properly, treated me nicely in months, is making a nest in
the pit of my stomach.
    ‘I had this friend,’ I start quietly. I
have never had to explain this to anyone before; other people have always done
the explaining for me. ‘I had this friend called Alex. He died a few months
ago. That’s what the boys were taunting me about.’
    Jay looks away and then down at the ground,
his throat working. ‘What happened?’
    I bite my lip and look at the ground too.
‘I got myself meddled in with something I shouldn’t have. Alex found out what
had happened and went to do something about it. That same night, he was
murdered. The police found him the next day lying in the middle of some street.
He’d taken a blow to the head. And it was my fault, if I hadn’t gotten
involved…’ I trail off, my eyes welling up again. That was the truth… vaguely.
Jay didn’t need to know the absolute truth, every detail leading up to what
happened. And with what I’d just told him, Jay will never speak to me again
anyway.
    I cast another glance at Jay but he is just
staring ahead, trying to process everything I’ve just told him. I dig my nails
into my palms again and close my eyes.
    Then finally, he speaks.
    ‘Neve, can I ask you something?’
    My mind swims with possible questions; why didn’t you save him? Why did you let it
happen? Why did you get him involved?
    Bile starts to form at the back of my
throat as panic rises in the form of vomit that this is it, he would ask one
last question and then be out of here. Too scared to speak, I clamp my lips
shut and just nod.
    ‘What were you really doing on the bridge
the other night? The night we first met?’
    The question startles me and I turn around
to face him, as he is watching me, and scrutinise his expression. Does he just
want juicy details that he can spread around school?
    My gut tells me no. So does his expression.
    It isn’t one of eager anticipation to hear
the latest gossip. It isn’t one of sympathy either, the sort that read ‘ oh that poor girl, lets just lock her away
so she doesn’t hurt her poor little self ’. It’s a look that almost says
he’s scared for me, scared of what I could have done. It’s genuine concern.
    Instead of answering, I stand up.
    ‘I have something I want to show you.’ I
grab my bike and start wheeling it over to his car, waiting patiently until he
stands up too. Jay takes the bike and puts it in the boot of the Ford without
another word. I murmur directions and turns until we come to a small country
road out of town where I tell him to pull up.
    Getting out, I begin trekking up the back
of a huge hill, not needing to look behind me in order to know that Jay is
right there. As we reach the top of the hill the view of our little town
emerges, but it looks fairly small from up here. Darkness surrounds the place
but the lights of the houses and various buildings light the view up like
thousands of little fireflies.
    It’s calm, peaceful up here and feels safe.
It reminds me of Alex.
    I lie down in the grass, waiting for Jay to
do the same.
    ‘Me and Alex used to come up here all the
time,’ I say quietly, wrapping my arms around me against the winter chill. Now
I come up here on very rare occasions to think if I can’t clear my mind
sketching.
    ‘It’s beautiful,’ Jay says, looking up at
the starry sky above us. I nod, taking a deep breath.
    ‘The truth is I don’t know why I was on
that bridge that night. One minute I was visiting Alex’s grave and the next I
was being pulled down by this complete stranger. That hurt by the way.’ I smile
slightly and look sideways at him. ‘But the truth is I don’t know if we would
be having this conversation if you hadn’t stopped me. So… thanks.’
    He smiles back and looks back up at the sky
again, silence falling over us.