Heaven Forbid Read Online Free PDF Page B

religion,” she sang as she squished the last of the bananas and began folding them into the batter. “Old time religion like it used to be. Yes, Lord.” Mama Max felt good this morning. This feeling was much different than it had been just a month ago, when collectors threatened to turn off the church’s electricity, or a week ago, when she fretted over who might or might not come to the revival, and definitely different than the sinking feeling she’d had after the Reverend Doctor preached his first sermon as pastor of Gospel Truth.
     
    Mama Max had had gas all morning on that particular Sunday, a sure sign of trouble if there ever was one. Nevertheless, she’d dressed up in her Sunday best, a spiffy long dress bursting with flowers in primary colors, and a red straw hat boasting flowers as well. She was greeted warmly, probably reminding more than a few attendees of their grandmothers. The church was almost full, she remembered, and the choir had “sang their way on up to heaven” as Mama Max’s father used to quip. But shortly after the side door opened and her husband entered the sanctuary, the atmosphere changed. Mama Max had immediately gotten the sinking feeling that things weren’t going to go over very well. That her husband walked into the church carrying an oversized broom was her first clue. The title of his sermon, “Sweeping Satan out the Church,” was her second.
    Nobody would argue the point that the reverend doctor being back in the pulpit agreed with his health. Until he was called out of retirement, Reverend Doctor O seemed to have one ailment after another: high blood pressure, heart palpitations, arthritis, back pain. But from the time Nettie Johnson called with the request that Mama Max’s husband come out of retirement to save a church, Obadiah had been the picture of health.
    That first Sunday Obadiah preached was no exception. He brought forth the word of God with fervor, shaking the rafters with his booming voice. Looking back, Mama Max thought he would have hailed down fire and brimstone for real if he’d been able to. As it was, his sermon sufficed, as he admonished the people to “get right with God or get left behind.” But when he brought out the new Gospel Truth Member Manual, the massive document that even she hadn’t known about, well, that’s when Mama Max’s gas started acting up for real!
    “Whew, it’s long,” Nettie had leaned over and whispered as she began thumbing through the pages. When asked by the reverend, she’d offered her advice on what she felt were the “dos and don’ts” of godly living. She knew others had been questioned and had contributed their two cents as well. Nettie had no idea, however, that their suggestions were going to become a behavioral bible of sorts, a rules-and-regulations manual to be followed without question. But Reverend Doctor O was making this fact plain, bellowing the threat that members were to adhere to the Word, or else. Nettie swallowed hard as she read some of the page headlines, knowing even as strict as it appeared, the handbook was probably for the best.
    “Lord have mercy,” Mama Max said softly as she read the table of contents. “Even Jesus better stay up in heaven. ’Cause if he comes down here to Gospel Truth Church, the Reverend Doctor might not think him holy enough to get back in!”
    It wasn’t the “known sins” Mama Max read that she had a problem with. Nobody wanted to go against the Ten Commandments, and everybody knew that fornicating and masturbating and most other kinds of “atings” were abominations before God. Nobody had to think twice about homosexuality and pornography. Anybody with an ounce of home training didn’t have to be schooled about these.
    But some of the other ones on the list were bound to cause problems, items added to the list—according to the reverend—to “help with housecleaning.” Mama Max enjoyed an occasional splash of Baileys Irish Cream in her coffee, but the