Head in the Sand ... and other unpopular positions Read Online Free PDF Page B

they’re already experts, they’ll
enjoy mastering the game in record time. Here’s my concept of how
the game would play out on the screen:
     
    LEVEL 1: “Are These Your Shorts, Young Man?”
    Crazy, cute animal game
character Buster tosses T-shirts, pants, and bunched-up boxers
toward the hamper. If any laundry ends up in the hamper, deduct 10 points and
game play moves to the laundry room. Level ends by climbing inside
the dryer and locating the Missing Left Sock.
    LEVEL 2: “Your Eyes Will Freeze That Way”
    Buster makes goofy faces at dinner without
being spotted by Mother. Ten points per face. Buster gets Bonus
Star if Sister tattles on him and Mother doesn’t believe her. Extra
points if Sister hoists peas at him. Deduct points if peas hit
Mother. Deduct 20 points if Buster is sent to his room without
dinner. Add 20 points if he hates peas.
     
    LEVEL 3: “Isn’t That Homework Done Yet?”
    Buster hides behind a stack of schoolbooks.
Mother pops up intermittently outside the doorway, trying to catch
Buster downloading MP3s instead of doing homework. Extra points for
paper shuffling and pencil sharpening. Deduct 100 points if Buster
completes any homework before dinner.
     
    LEVEL 4: “Were You Born In A Barn?”
    Buster avoids getting bopped in the backside
by the screen door on his way in and out of the house. Five points
for every insect that gets into the house, and 25 points for every
slam that elicits a shriek from Mother. If she makes him go back
out and come in quietly, he returns to the beginning of the
level.
     
    LEVEL 5: “Take Out That Trash!”
    Buster stacks as much garbage as possible in
the trash without actually taking it out. “Ctrl-G” picks up paper,
banana peels, and spaghetti strands encrusted around old meatballs,
and the spacebar drops it all on top of the heap. If it topples
over and Mother makes him take out the trash, the game is over.
     
    Why will kids play my game
instead of Sonic Mario Bandicoot
Somethingorother ? Because I said so, young
man. And just wait until your father gets
home! 
     

What Happened in Vegas: A Diary: Part
Two
     
    October 12, 2000
     
    Every Vegas update from me
contains a food section. It’s impossible to go to Las Vegas and not
comment on the food. Well, maybe Calista Flockhart could pull it
off, but certainly not me. (And that’s all I have to say about
that.)
    Today’s food experience was a place in
northeast Las Vegas called Timber’s. It’s a burger joint. Doesn’t
sound very exciting yet, does it? What if I tell you that it has a
burger called the Hoss Burger? Impressed yet? What if I tell you
that the Hoss Burger is $8.95 and includes a huge basket of fries?
Still not excited? Okay, how’s this: The thing weighs 2½ to 3
pounds, sits on a huge bun, and takes up an entire nine-inch dinner
plate. It’s covered with cheese, lettuce, bacon, tomato, onion,
ketchup, mayo—the works. They serve it on a huge plate, with a
steak knife sticking up out of the middle of it. Apparently the
knife is to perform crude emergency quadruple-bypass surgery once
you finish eating the burger.
    Normally, people buy the Hoss Burger and
share it in groups. Everyone gets a smaller plate, and they use the
knife to divide it up for everyone like an apple pie.
    However . . .
     
    There is this contest.
    The Hoss Challenge.
    It comes with four options.
     
    OPTION 1: You (alone) finish an entire Hoss Burger. You get
your name on their Hoss Burger Hall of Fame board.
    OPTION 2: You finish two (yes, two) Hoss Burgers in an
hour. You get both burgers free and your name on the Hall of Fame
board.
    OPTION 3: You finish two Hoss Burgers in half an hour. You
get both free, your name on the board, and $100.
    OPTION 4: You participate in their monthly contest to eat a
Hoss Burger in the shortest amount of time. Prize is
$100.
    The bad news is that if you choose to
participate in Options 2 or 3, you have to sit at a separate table
from your dinner party and are