Hate List Read Online Free PDF Page A

never was.
    Sometimes, in my world where parents hated one another and school was a battleground, it sucked to be me. Nick had been my
     escape. The one person who understood. It’d felt good to be part of an “us,” with the same thoughts, the same feelings, the
     same miseries. But now the other half of “us” was gone and, lying there in my shadowy room, I’d be struck with this realization
     that I had no clue how to be just me again.
    I’d roll over on my side and stare at the dark shadowy horses dotting my wallpaper and wish they would giddy up and take me
     away the way I’d imagined them doing when I was a kid, so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Because not having a
     clue who you are hurts way too much. And one thing I did know for sure: I was tired of hurting.
    Mom reached across the front seat and patted my knee. “Well, if you get halfway through the day and need me, I’m just a phone
     call away. Okay?”
    I didn’t answer. The lump in my throat was too big. It seemed surreal that I was about to be walking the same hallways with
     these kids who I knew so well, but who seemed like complete strangers. Kids like Allen Moon, who I’d seen look directly into
     a camera and say, “I hope they put Valerie away for life for what she did,” and Carmen Chiarro, who was quoted in a magazine
     as saying, “I don’t know why my name was even on that list. I didn’t even know who Nick and Valerie were before that day.”
    I could see her not knowing Nick. When he moved to Garvin freshman year, he was just a quiet, skinny kid with bad clothes
     and dirty hair. But Carmen and I had gone to elementary school together. She was totally lying when she said she didn’t know
     me. And, given that she was good friends with Mr. Quarterback Chris Summers all of sophomore year, and given that Chris Summers
     hated Nick and would take every chance he could to make Nick miserable, and given that all of Chris’s buddies thought it was
     hilarious whenever he tormented Nick, I found it highly suspect that she didn’t know Nick, either. Would Allen and Carmen
     be there today? Would they be looking for me? Would they be hoping I wouldn’t show?
    “And you know Dr. Hieler’s number,” Mom said, patting my knee again.
    I nodded. “I know it.”
    We turned down Oak Street. I could have driven this way in my sleep. Right on Oak Street. Left on Foundling Avenue. Left on
     Starling. Right into the parking lot. Garvin High straight ahead. Can’t miss it.
    Only this morning it looked different to me. Never again would Garvin High have that exciting and intimidating look it held
     for me as a freshman. Never again would I equate it with mind-bending romance, with euphoria, laughter, a job well done. None
     of the things most people think of when they imagine their high schools. It was just another thing that Nick had stolen from
     me, from all of us, that day. He didn’t just steal our innocence and sense of well-being. He had somehow managed to rob us
     of our memories as well.
    “You’ll be fine,” Mom said. I turned my head and looked out the window. Saw Delaney Peters walking down by the football field
     with her arm hooked through Sam Hall’s. I had no idea they were together, and suddenly I felt as if I’d missed a lifetime
     rather than just a summer. Had things been normal, I’d have spent the summer at the lake or at the bowling alley or gas station
     or fast food places, picking up gossip, learning about new romances. Instead, I was holed up in my bedroom, afraid and sick
     to my stomach at the thought of so much as going to the grocery store with my mom. “Dr. Hieler feels strongly that you’ll
     be able to handle today with flying colors.”
    “I know,” I said. I leaned forward and my stomach started to tighten. Stacey and Duce were sitting on the bleachers like always,
     along with Mason, David, Liz, and Rebecca. Normally I would be sitting there with them. And with Nick. Comparing