get another favourable assessment again, Shane? Just do it and do it quickly.â I canât believe the little turd finds this amusing. From the sound of his laughter he is already rolling around on the floor. âAnd Iâll swing you some development time.â To Shane, development time simply means that heâll be able to piss off work two hours early if I time it right. Itâll be worth it if he gets me out of this torture.
âOkay, okay. Relax, Des, Iâll do it ⦠eventually.â
If that little turd makes me wait too long I will do more call observations on him than I do for my whole team.
âTen minutes, Shane. Tops.â I hang up the phone and walk back downstairs, and, predictably, they are halfway through a conversation about my wifely attributes.
âThatâs very good for Despina.â Thia Maria is singing my praises. âTo have house so young.â
Thatâs rich. First they want to marry me off because Iâm over the hill and now Iâm an âimpressive young homeownerâ.
Ape Man just nods in agreement. Like heâs ever going to get the chance to see it.
âAh, Despina, you are back. Sit here with me.â My aunty is patting the spot beside her like I am a little puppy dog whose attention she is trying to get. But like the good obedient Greek girl that I am, I plonk my butt down beside her. The only other option is to sit next to Ape Man and that just isnât going to happen.
Ring, Shane, you little creep. Ring!
Itâs time for the introductions. âDespina, this Petro, he is my koumbaroâs nephew from Greece. Petro, this my niece Despina.â Ape Man has thrust his hand in my face and is waiting for a handshake. There is no way that I am touching that thing. Thereâs hair growing all over his knuckles.
âYeah hi, howâs it going?â Good response, casual, not bitchy, and no eye contact made. But the look on my motherâs face says it all. Behave or all hell will break loose.
âWell, thank you, Despina.â
This guyâs accent is worse than my parents. He should have SBS subtitles flashing past every time he opens his mouth.
âYour aunty speak very well of you.â
Oh, God, just what has that woman been saying about me?
âYou have good job and house. Is very important for girl to have.â
I canât let this one slide. Itâs too good an opportunity to pass up. âFunny thing about us girls here in Australia, Petro.â Iâm going in for the kill. âWe donât need a man to look after us, we can do that all on our own, and whatever we do isnât to keep a man happy. We do it to keep ourselves happy.â Whoosh, the look on his face is self-explanatory; it all went right through to the wicket keeper. Comprehension level of Ape Man: zilch.
âIs good.â Again with the greedy nod. âWhen you marry you have no worries to stay home and have babies.â
Apparently this bastard is not only counting my dollars, heâs also counting my eggs. Hurry up, Shane, or work life will be so miserable that it will make hell look like a picnic. I will monitor all your breaks, all your personal calls, and all your statistics will be looked at under a fine microscope.
âHey, Petro, get off the fucking arc.â When all else fails the Desi golden rule of life is to fall back on profanities.
Always a good backup plan. Six eyes stare at me in amazement, three mouths gape open, yet strangely, not a sound comes out of any of them. My mother starts composing a half decent apology on behalf of her psychotic, demonic-possessed daughter.
The phone rings â thank God. âHello.â Voice calm, a tad casual â excellent.
âGood evening, this is rent-a-disaster. You need one and we shall create on demand.â
Ah, that voice is music to my ears. Shane you are my hero! Not that I would ever let him know that.
âShane,
âOkay, okay. Relax, Des, Iâll do it ⦠eventually.â
If that little turd makes me wait too long I will do more call observations on him than I do for my whole team.
âTen minutes, Shane. Tops.â I hang up the phone and walk back downstairs, and, predictably, they are halfway through a conversation about my wifely attributes.
âThatâs very good for Despina.â Thia Maria is singing my praises. âTo have house so young.â
Thatâs rich. First they want to marry me off because Iâm over the hill and now Iâm an âimpressive young homeownerâ.
Ape Man just nods in agreement. Like heâs ever going to get the chance to see it.
âAh, Despina, you are back. Sit here with me.â My aunty is patting the spot beside her like I am a little puppy dog whose attention she is trying to get. But like the good obedient Greek girl that I am, I plonk my butt down beside her. The only other option is to sit next to Ape Man and that just isnât going to happen.
Ring, Shane, you little creep. Ring!
Itâs time for the introductions. âDespina, this Petro, he is my koumbaroâs nephew from Greece. Petro, this my niece Despina.â Ape Man has thrust his hand in my face and is waiting for a handshake. There is no way that I am touching that thing. Thereâs hair growing all over his knuckles.
âYeah hi, howâs it going?â Good response, casual, not bitchy, and no eye contact made. But the look on my motherâs face says it all. Behave or all hell will break loose.
âWell, thank you, Despina.â
This guyâs accent is worse than my parents. He should have SBS subtitles flashing past every time he opens his mouth.
âYour aunty speak very well of you.â
Oh, God, just what has that woman been saying about me?
âYou have good job and house. Is very important for girl to have.â
I canât let this one slide. Itâs too good an opportunity to pass up. âFunny thing about us girls here in Australia, Petro.â Iâm going in for the kill. âWe donât need a man to look after us, we can do that all on our own, and whatever we do isnât to keep a man happy. We do it to keep ourselves happy.â Whoosh, the look on his face is self-explanatory; it all went right through to the wicket keeper. Comprehension level of Ape Man: zilch.
âIs good.â Again with the greedy nod. âWhen you marry you have no worries to stay home and have babies.â
Apparently this bastard is not only counting my dollars, heâs also counting my eggs. Hurry up, Shane, or work life will be so miserable that it will make hell look like a picnic. I will monitor all your breaks, all your personal calls, and all your statistics will be looked at under a fine microscope.
âHey, Petro, get off the fucking arc.â When all else fails the Desi golden rule of life is to fall back on profanities.
Always a good backup plan. Six eyes stare at me in amazement, three mouths gape open, yet strangely, not a sound comes out of any of them. My mother starts composing a half decent apology on behalf of her psychotic, demonic-possessed daughter.
The phone rings â thank God. âHello.â Voice calm, a tad casual â excellent.
âGood evening, this is rent-a-disaster. You need one and we shall create on demand.â
Ah, that voice is music to my ears. Shane you are my hero! Not that I would ever let him know that.
âShane,