Gnome On The Range Read Online Free PDF

due.”
    I groaned and shook my head. Not because she annoyed me, which she did, but because she was right. The night Bobby was conceived was the last time Nate and I had sex. The last time I’d had sex period . I’d discovered I was pregnant the same day I discovered Nate with another woman in the store’s storage room. Pants around ankles, Nate’s white butt thrusting Bimbo into the shelves of porn. I’d had his clothes tossed out across the front yard an hour later.
    “Ty seems nice. I don’t even know if he’s got a girlfriend. Besides, I’ve only talked to him for about five minutes. Total. I think I need a little more foreplay than that.”
    She winked at me again. “Don’t worry, Sweetie. I’ll help.”
    This was so not good.
    ***
    Four hours later I unzipped the tent to haul my kids back to their rooms. They weren’t up for an all-nighter yet. I whispered goodnight to the Colonel as he climbed out and went into his house.
    It was really dark.
    No street
    lights shined, the Milky Way easily seen stretching across the sky. All was quiet. Even though we lived only a few blocks from MSU, and on the Southside of town near Main, not much happened this late at night in the summer. Except snoring. Or sex.
    The college students were off partying in their hometowns. The locals had church in the morning. I was inside the tent lifting Bobby into my arms when I heard the ruckus. It sounded like a large animal foraging through my yard. Plodding footsteps, leaves rustling. Had a dog gotten loose? A deer eating my tomato plants? I froze in place, Bobby’s heavy head cozy on my shoulder. He—nor Zach—would have woken up for a parade coming through the Colonel’s backyard. They were no help.
    Wild animals didn’t scare me. Bears hadn’t been seen in town since spring when they’d woken up from their long winter’s nap. All other creatures of the night were more afraid of me than I of them. Except snakes. I was definitely more afraid of them. But snakes didn’t have feet, or hooves, so I ruled them out. Figuring all the noise I’d make to get Bobby—and myself—out of the tent, across the Colonel’s yard, through the gate and into mine would scare away any animal. By the time I got to the fence, I heard its retreat across the grass and past the lilac bush separating my yard from Mr. Blumenthal’s behind us.
    The next morning, bright and early, my right eyelid was pried open by little fingers. “Mom! There are footprints in the backyard!” Bobby exclaimed. “I think Santa was here.”
    My brain was slow and foggy. I blinked several times and peered at the clock on the nightstand. Eight. Not too shabby for a Sunday. I wouldn’t have minded ten, but beggars couldn’t be choosers with kids around.
    “Mooom!”
    “Shh! Zach’s still asleep.” Footprints, right. “It’s July. No Santa. But I think Shrek or Donkey was out there rustling around when I came home last night.” The previous winter we had a family of deer visit the crab apple tree in the side yard, rooting around in the snow searching for fallen crab apples. The family of four made a path through the snow in a circuit around the neighborhood. They’d known where to forage for food in the lean months. Stopping to paw at the crusty snow and frozen ground, they’d eat up the rotten fruit. The cold winter morning we’d first seen them the boys were watching Shrek II on DVD. Thus Shrek, Donkey, Dragon and Fiona joined the family, if only extraneously. Once spring came, they’d moved to greener pastures. Literally.
    Bobby shook his head, kneeling next to me. “No, Mommy, people footprints.”
    That woke me up faster than a cup of coffee. “What? People footprints?”
    Bobby nodded.
    “Wait, what were you doing outside by yourself while I slept?”
    “You didn’t bring in the gnomes from the tent last night. They were out there all alone. ‘Sides, the Kernel is out having his coffee so I wasn’t by myself.”
    The gnomes. Couldn’t leave