I was a coward. I was selfish. I could have tried harder, fought for her.
“I knew you were taken to a dark room, but I didn’t know what it meant … And at that time, Integrity had promised me that I’d have the chance to leave the Refuge. I didn’t want to do anything to compromise that possibility.” My words are flat and hollow. Colton stops running, beads of sweat run down his face. He leans over the treadmill, listening to my words. Everyone is. I’m thankful the little girls are not here to hear me.
I’m so ashamed.
“So you just wanted to save yourself?” Junie asks.
“And that’s why you wanted me to go get her from Refuge Two. You felt guilty,” Lukas finishes. His words fill me with shame.
“But if you hadn’t gotten her, regardless of the reason I wanted you too, she would have died. So it’s a good thing. I mean, we made it right.” I press these words out loud and clear, because I want to emphasize them so everyone hears my intention. “I was scared to help at first, but I am not scared anymore.” I don’t know how to defend myself, so I stop and look Basil in the eyes, hard as it is. “I’m so sorry.”
“Whatever, it’s cool.” She shakes her head and sighs, letting me off the hook too easily. “Besides, it could have been worse, right? You could have let the same thing happen to Hana in one of those rooms, right? You could have let her take my place.” Basil looks at me, shrugs her shoulders as if all is forgiven.
But I know the truth.
And so does Lukas.
I look at him, and my eyes sting from his gaze boring into mine.
W e did do the exact same thing to Hana . Only that time, we both did it to her. I wasn’t alone in my cowardice. We were the guilty party. Instead of taking the responsibility for our actions, we let Hana take the fall.
If we had turned ourselves in, we would have been prisoners. Instead, we let a nine-year-old nearly die.
Once again, I wish I were the sun, able to disappear past the horizon.
But I can’t run.
Not now. This is my life.
And I have to be the one to pick up the pieces; I have to make the dark places disappear.
I look at Lukas, remembering I don’t have to do it completely alone. He’s the only one who can help me.
11.
Charlie
As night settles over the compound, everyone grows a little delirious. Without the looming tasks we’re usually given, like patrol duty, working in the gardens, or treasure hunting for my parents -- we’re free to just be teenagers.
Junie and Basil put the little girls to bed, and Lucy turns on a small lamp in the study, but soon turns it off again. It’s not necessary with Lukas here with us. When he’s around, it’s glaringly obvious what a resource he is.
“Let me read your palm, Duke,” Junie says sweetly. She’s been gazing at her hulk of a guy all evening. As they worked together outside making dinner from the pheasant I shot, I watched them go out of their way to be in close proximity to one another. Palm reading must be another one of Junie’s tactics to get close to her beau.
“You’ve done this before?” he asks, flipping his hand out to her.
“Of course. I am a master fortuneteller. It’s just one of my many hidden talents.” The room snickers at her proclamation, “What? You don’t believe me? Ask Colton. He knows.”
“Don’t look at me!” Colton says, laughing. “Actually, it’s true. She used to carry a book about fortunes around, it was our Mom’s.”
Junie stares at Duke’s outstretched hand and gingerly traces the lines carved in his palms. The room grows silent with curiosity. Silly games like this are a good distraction from the heavy questions that loom over us.
“Okay, see this one here, it’s your heart line. It means you have a good handle on your emotions. And this one is your … umm … your life line … and since it’s swoopy that means … ummm.”
“What’s wrong, Junie, I thought you were a master at
“I knew you were taken to a dark room, but I didn’t know what it meant … And at that time, Integrity had promised me that I’d have the chance to leave the Refuge. I didn’t want to do anything to compromise that possibility.” My words are flat and hollow. Colton stops running, beads of sweat run down his face. He leans over the treadmill, listening to my words. Everyone is. I’m thankful the little girls are not here to hear me.
I’m so ashamed.
“So you just wanted to save yourself?” Junie asks.
“And that’s why you wanted me to go get her from Refuge Two. You felt guilty,” Lukas finishes. His words fill me with shame.
“But if you hadn’t gotten her, regardless of the reason I wanted you too, she would have died. So it’s a good thing. I mean, we made it right.” I press these words out loud and clear, because I want to emphasize them so everyone hears my intention. “I was scared to help at first, but I am not scared anymore.” I don’t know how to defend myself, so I stop and look Basil in the eyes, hard as it is. “I’m so sorry.”
“Whatever, it’s cool.” She shakes her head and sighs, letting me off the hook too easily. “Besides, it could have been worse, right? You could have let the same thing happen to Hana in one of those rooms, right? You could have let her take my place.” Basil looks at me, shrugs her shoulders as if all is forgiven.
But I know the truth.
And so does Lukas.
I look at him, and my eyes sting from his gaze boring into mine.
W e did do the exact same thing to Hana . Only that time, we both did it to her. I wasn’t alone in my cowardice. We were the guilty party. Instead of taking the responsibility for our actions, we let Hana take the fall.
If we had turned ourselves in, we would have been prisoners. Instead, we let a nine-year-old nearly die.
Once again, I wish I were the sun, able to disappear past the horizon.
But I can’t run.
Not now. This is my life.
And I have to be the one to pick up the pieces; I have to make the dark places disappear.
I look at Lukas, remembering I don’t have to do it completely alone. He’s the only one who can help me.
11.
Charlie
As night settles over the compound, everyone grows a little delirious. Without the looming tasks we’re usually given, like patrol duty, working in the gardens, or treasure hunting for my parents -- we’re free to just be teenagers.
Junie and Basil put the little girls to bed, and Lucy turns on a small lamp in the study, but soon turns it off again. It’s not necessary with Lukas here with us. When he’s around, it’s glaringly obvious what a resource he is.
“Let me read your palm, Duke,” Junie says sweetly. She’s been gazing at her hulk of a guy all evening. As they worked together outside making dinner from the pheasant I shot, I watched them go out of their way to be in close proximity to one another. Palm reading must be another one of Junie’s tactics to get close to her beau.
“You’ve done this before?” he asks, flipping his hand out to her.
“Of course. I am a master fortuneteller. It’s just one of my many hidden talents.” The room snickers at her proclamation, “What? You don’t believe me? Ask Colton. He knows.”
“Don’t look at me!” Colton says, laughing. “Actually, it’s true. She used to carry a book about fortunes around, it was our Mom’s.”
Junie stares at Duke’s outstretched hand and gingerly traces the lines carved in his palms. The room grows silent with curiosity. Silly games like this are a good distraction from the heavy questions that loom over us.
“Okay, see this one here, it’s your heart line. It means you have a good handle on your emotions. And this one is your … umm … your life line … and since it’s swoopy that means … ummm.”
“What’s wrong, Junie, I thought you were a master at
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