Ghostwritten Read Online Free PDF

them. You told me that you’d never been bothered about it and that people can have a good life without children – which is true.’
    ‘I
did
feel like that, Jenni. But I’ve changed.’
    ‘Well, I wish you hadn’t, because now we’ve got a problem.’
    Rick pushed back his chair; he went and stood by the French windows. Through the panes the plants in our small walled garden looked dusty and withered. I’d been too distracted and upset to water them. ‘People do change,’ he said quietly. ‘They’re allowed to change. And it’s crept up on me over the past few months. I’ve wanted to talk to you about it but was afraid to, precisely for this reason, but now you’ve brought the issue into the open.’
    ‘Why have you changed?’
    He shrugged. ‘I don’t know – probably because I’m nearly forty now.’
    ‘You were nearly forty when we met.’
    ‘Or maybe it’s seeing the kids at school develop and grow, and wishing that I could watch my own kids do that.’
    ‘That didn’t seem to worry you before.’
    ‘True. But now it does.’
    I glanced at the manuscript. ‘I think it’s because I’ve been working on this baby-care book.’ I felt my throat constrict. ‘I wish I’d never agreed to do it.’
    ‘The book has nothing to do with it, Jen. I wanted to be with you so much that I convinced myself I didn’t want children. Then I began to believe that because we were in love we’d naturally
want
to have them. So I thought you’d change your mind.’
    ‘Which is what you’re hoping for now?’
    Rick sighed. ‘I guess I am. Because then we’d still have each other, but with the chance of family life too. I’ll be applying for head teacher posts before long: I’d like to try for jobs outside London, if you were happy to move.’
    ‘I’d be happy to be wherever you were,’ I said truthfully.
    ‘Jen …’ Rick’s face was full of sudden yearning. ‘We could have a
great
life: we’d be able to afford a bigger place.’ He looked around him. ‘This flat’s so small.’
    ‘I don’t care. I’d live in a bedsit with you if I had to. But, yes, it would be wonderful to have more space – with a bigger garden.’
    He nodded. ‘I’ve been thinking about that garden a lot. I see a lawn, with children running around on it, laughing. But then they fade, like ghosts, because I know you don’t want any.’ Rick sat down again, then reached for my hands. ‘I want nothing more than to share my life with you, Jen, but we have to want the same things. And the question of whether or not we have children isn’t one that we can compromise on; and if we can’t agree about it—’
    I withdrew my hands. ‘Let’s imagine that I do change my mind. What if we then find that I can’t
have
kids?’
    ‘At least I’d know that we’d tried. Or maybe, I don’t know … we could try IVF.’
    ‘A bank-breaking emotional rollercoaster with noguarantees. The other day Honor interviewed a woman who’s spent forty thousand pounds on it and still isn’t pregnant.’
    ‘Well, we might be luckier. If not, we could adopt.’
    ‘Could we?’ I echoed. ‘Would we really want that? In any case this is all academic, because I won’t
be
changing my mind; and if you really do love me, you’ll accept that. Can’t we just go on as we were?’ I added desperately.
    Rick blinked. ‘I don’t see how we can.’
    My throat ached with a suppressed sob. ‘Why not? Because now you’ve decided that you
would
like kids, you’d want to go right out there, as soon as possible, and find some woman to have them with? Is that it? Should I start knitting a matinee jacket for the baby right now?’
    Rick flinched. ‘Don’t be silly, Jen. It’s because we’d only be putting off the inevitable. I’d come to resent you, then you’d be upset with me, and we’d break up anyway.’ He shook his head. ‘What I don’t understand is why you won’t at least explore
why
it is that you feel—’
    ‘No,’ I interrupted.